3rd November, 2008
This Is The Delaying
Yes, I am blogging so I can procrastinate. Why do I always do this? Every time I have a big midterm to study for, I always end up finding other things to do besides studying. It’s a very bad habit. Bad me, bad me.
Recap of the weekend:
EC came up on Saturday. We had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen (CPK) and then watched Zack and Miri Make A Porno. It was a really funny movie. However, it was very borderline NC-17, so for those who aren’t into all the raunchy, dirty sex jokes and whatnot, I would not recommend this movie to you. Otherwise, you should check it out. EC ended up spending the night and then left Sunday morning. It was nice and quiet. I suppose that I made my decision by failing not to take action when I last wrote about the whole EC thing. I think that maybe, and this is just a maybe, I need some time to get used to the idea of making things casual. Okay, I have to admit that all this week, I made sure that I wasn’t going to initiate the first contact of the day. I think, in a way, that helps me distance myself from him because I’m not waiting for a reply, or waiting to see if he notices my text messages or emails or whatever it is I send him.
But again, this is all just “thinking.” I don’t know for sure and I won’t know for sure (until it’s too late) if I’m ready for all this “casual” stuff. I mean, yes, it’s nice knowing that I can see someone on a weekly basis, that he doesn’t mind making the drive to see me and won’t bitch about shit. Even if it doesn’t go much deeper, and I have to admit that I’m not all expecting it to, I think I’ll be okay. I like his company. I like the refreshing feeling that I get when I think back on how tied down I was to the last two boyfriends. EC is different. Money is not a big issue for us; I don’t feel as if I’m being guilted into doing something and I actually do want to go out because we can go out to the same places.
Everything is different and maybe that’s why I have the hope that I can get through this. I hope I can. I haven’t really thought much more about this whole casual thing in a way that would make me sad. Sure, I might not fall in love and he might not fall in love, but really, is that something that I should be worrying about now? Is that something that I should be looking for? I’m only 21 and since I do have a five-year dating minimum, then it’s going to be a while before I even bother to think about the serious stuff.
I think I can do it. This is fun and I don’t think I’ll mind too much if that’s all it is. I may not even be ready for something serious anyway so this… is refreshing. It’s good. It’s a new scene.
And speaking of refreshing, over the last few days, I’ve been thinking about where I was last year. One year ago, I was a mess. It was horrible. I know that in a few weeks, it’ll mark the anniversary of when I sent myself to the hospital. I look back on those times, that year and a half that was all about SB and I’m in awe. Looking back reminds me of Batman Begins because of how dark it is. In that movie, there was quite the grim feeling, no? So when I look back on my year and a half, I see darkness. I hid myself so much from him because I wanted to be somebody that he would love. I liked him and I knew that he was damaged and like a stereotypical woman, I wanted to fix him. I wanted to be the one. I wanted to make everything all better and I wanted him to love me.
Except, that failed miserably. I changed, if not disguised, myself to be the person that I thought he would want. I didn’t drink; I wasn’t social; I wanted to spend all of my time with him. It was very unhealthy.
When I look at how I’m living now, I see brightness. Or at least a clear contrast on my life then and now. Now, I’m not trying to please anybody but myself. Now, I don’t have to answer to anyone but me. I do what I want and I know what I want, or at least have a better idea of what I want. I want to be social, I want to drink, I want to go clubbing, I want to dress provocatively. I don’t want to try to change for someone, I don’t want to feel as if somebody else’s presence makes me want to be any different than what I want to be.
I guess what I want to say is that SB dragged me down into the hole. Or I allowed myself to be dragged into said hole. And now that he’s not here, not in my life and not affecting me emotionally to the point where my entire day is ruined, things feel better. I feel happier or more content with myself. I feel happier being me now than I did one year ago. And that, is something I’m grateful for.
Tags: Batman Begins, brightness, CPK, dark, dinner, EC, life, light, midterm, movies, SB, Zack and Miri, Zack and Miri Make A Porno
Posted at 1:52 am | Comment (0)