28th July, 2008
This Was Pretty Shitty
One more hour and the day is over. That’s it.
It started off fine. I went to class, then headed to my appointment with the research center. As I’m waiting for the appointment to finish, I check my emails on my phone and I get a lovely message from my host telling me that my account has been suspended. Why? Apparently one of my hostees had uploaded some proxy files which caused the server to extremely lag last night from all its CPU usage. I was stressing out but couldn’t go home to a computer because I had signed up to donate blood with the Red Cross.
Of course, with my luck, the Red Cross took forever to process the queue line and at that point, I wasn’t even sure if it was going to be worth the wait considering how often I get deferred, but to my surprise, my hemoglobin count was a good 12.9, just above the minimum to donate. So I donated, then dashed out to go back to my apartment to fix this whole domain issue. However, running right after donating is not exactly the best idea.
I reply to the support ticket and wait. As I’m waiting, I do probably one of the stupidest things I could ever do.
I MySpaced him (SB).
And I found out that Bitch #2 moved with him to Washington.
And then I was no longer a pretty sight to see.
I rushed over to my friend’s apartment because I couldn’t take it just sitting here alone in mine. Plus, I needed that hug.
I hate that I’m still affected, that I can still be hurt, that I can still look like I had looked today. I hate that it’s been almost a year and I still can’t get past anything. I hate that I was so stupid today and I hate that I was so upset because I shouldn’t be upset! He’s gone! He has no other ties in my life and I should be happy! I should be rejoicing! But instead, I allow myself to be affected by him, by every stupid thing that reminds me of him. I hate it. I hate me for being this way.
I hate that I’m more focused on my emotions and my feelings instead of my school work and why I can’t get shit done. I’d say that I hate how my sessions with my doctor have been focused on school work, but really, that is what should matter. I should be focusing on why I can’t get any work done, not why I can’t get over this stupid boy. But instead, my priorities get flipped around.
Then you’d think that my shitty day ended there, right? Well no. I signed up to be a tutor through a some program and in order to actually start, all tutors must have some sort of an interview. My appointment for today was at 6pm in San Francisco. I got there early to make sure I wouldn’t get lost and was already waiting outside the room by 5:30pm.
Nobody showed up. I waited until 6:20pm until I decided to leave because it was ridiculous. I wasted my time, my money, and my efforts for nothing. Standing me up like that was quite unprofessional and all I can say now is “Fuck them.” If they want me to work for them, then they had better come out here to Berkeley to meet with me because today was fucking ridiculous.
And yes, that last act pretty much sealed the day for me. I went home and napped because really, I had no more energy to do anything productive. Even now, I barely have the energy to type all this out, but I know that if I try to recall all this tomorrow, it will suck.
I just want everything bad from today to be left in today. It’s kind of like that “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” type of thing. What happened today, needs to stay in today.
Tags: JL, Red Cross, San Francisco, SB, school, website, work
Posted at 11:21 pm | Comments (3)
27th May, 2008
This Was A Useless Countdown
That counting down to midnight thing on Saturday didn’t really help. What happened on Sunday?
CC and I had made plans to hang out on Sunday. I was expecting him to call either in the late morning or early afternoon, except he didn’t. He ended up calling me at 7 in the morning to tell me that he was downstairs. So I let him in and I went back to sleep and I suppose he either went to sleep or tried to sleep.
Yes, it was the two of us on my teeny tiny twin bed.
However, I didn’t think too much of it. I just figured that it was friendly so, I didn’t care. That and because I wasn’t going to sleep on the floor. Well, at some point before he finally got up, I had the feeling, which was confirmed, that he may have been thinking/wanting me more than a friend. Although I had seen it coming, I was still thrown off by it and probably acted weird for the rest of the day. We went to go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall and then he took me home.
I really don’t need more men to deal with. Seriously.
Yesterday, I met up with BART Boy for our third date. We went to a theater/restaurant that was showing Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay. It was a funny movie and about halfway through, I rested on him. It was nice. We walked back to the direction of the BART station and then decided to get some dessert. When he dropped me off, we had yet another awkward goodbye thing and then I left.
He’s nice, he’s sweet, and he doesn’t want me to pay for things. (What every girl wants, no?) Except for the fact that I’m just not really feeling it. I don’t want to date casually if I don’t see anything more than just friendly dates. I know, I should be taking it slow, I should be thinking about it slowly, but if he’s paying for everything, I don’t want to be remembered as the girl who he wasted money on, you know?
There’s that and then there’s the shallow reason: between him and Asian Dude, Asian Dude looks a lot better on paper. Asian Dude is younger, sure, but he’s at a four-year university, he’s studying molecular toxicology, and so on. So on paper, he looks better. If we all remember correctly, SB was not so good looking on paper and that was a big no-no from the parents and practically, that should be a no-no to me too.
I know, I should believe in that whole true love thing, but I need to set standards, you know? I can’t be with someone who may take about twenty years to get somewhere in life because that means I’ve got to work my ass off and I believe that in any relationship, there should be a balance in effort. I’m not saying that both need to make the same amount of money, but if the wife makes a lot of money for something that she enjoys doing and doesn’t find it extremely strenuous while the husband is also doing something he loves, then that’s okay. But if the wife is a trophy wife and the husband has to work his ass off to make ends meet, then that’s not cool at all.
I don’t even know what I’m doing really. Did I mention that I’m still hoping for KM too? I mean, I’m not putting in effort or anything, but if he ever decides to get up off his ass, then yeah. I’d be here.
It’s all too messy.
Today was a nice day. I was supposed to work, but the big boss is getting pissy with me, so he decided to call me twenty minutes before my shift and say that I shouldn’t come in today; he’s got three people working. Of course, he didn’t because the wife ended up calling me later asking me when I was supposed to come in. Apparently, nobody knew that he had decided that I wasn’t coming in, not even my coworker.
So with my day off, I decided to do a little bit of shopping and to also get my hair cut. At first, I wanted a trim, but then decided to do something different and got layered bob instead, kind of like Posh Spice. It’s cute, it’s nice. Overall it’s a good cut, but I think that the stylist could have done a little bit better. However, it was my fault because it was an impromptu decision so of course, all the good places were booked. Darn.
What’s next on my list? Well, my PE class started this morning. Since my loan came in, I picked up the check today and put it in a separate checking account at a separate bank so I know not to touch it at all. I put anything extra that I haven’t set aside for bills in my main account so I know exactly how much I can spend and whatnot. I finally bought the books I need for my two summer courses and fortunately for me, Southwest decided to lower the tickets to Las Vegas, so I was able to book a round-trip flight for about $152 (including taxes and fees). That’s a pretty good deal!
I’m really excited for Vegas. I’m going to NN and it’s going to be awesome. Apparently there will be some other people joining us, but I’ll be okay. It’ll be my first time in Vegas and my first time on a plane since 2005! What better place to go to than to Vegas, right? I just hope it’s not one of those cities that’s hyped up too much so when I go, it’s not as I expected and then I end up having an okay time.
I got a little bit of work done this weekend at least. I finally, after a ridiculously long time, updated my fanlisting script to Enthusiast. I had been using PHPFanBase and I was too scared and too lazy to switch. Except I knew that I had to change it; if I sent out an email to my hosted asking them to remove any insecure scripts, then I had to do the same, right? It took a little bit to get the hang of, but I figured out how to keep my layout and structure and just stick in the templates for Enthusiast. All is good and now I have to go tell my hosted to seriously remove the crap.
Tags: Asian Dude, BART Boy, CC, dating, KM, NN, SB, school, website
Posted at 9:13 pm | Comments (2)