7th July, 2008
This Is When My Weekend Could’ve Been Better
I wouldn’t necessarily say that I had a real shitty weekend, but let’s say that with my mood, it could have been a lot better.
For the 4th of July, I thought that I would take MJ to San Francisco to see the fireworks. I tried leaving her messages on Facebook and called her once to see what the plan was, but she never got back to me. I found out from my roommate, SS, that she and MJ and some other people were going to Las Vegas for the weekend instead. Now, if there was something I did that would make MJ avoid me, then I can understand, but if it’s just a lack of wanting to speak with me, then that’s something else. I’m a little bitter, but at this point, I don’t really care. She was fun and that’s that. I didn’t invest a lot of time and effort nor did I get too attached, so at this point, I’m fine.
On the brighter side, MH and I have been slowly regaining our friendship back. I don’t talk too much about my feelings and neither does he, but it’s okay. I spilled a little over this weekend, but really, I had to. He wanted to hang out some time this week, but we’re both busy, so we’ll have to do it in about two weeks, especially after all my midterms are over.
Asian Dude and I are… I don’t really know for sure. There’s the physical aspect to our “relationship” but at the same time, I’m trying to figure out if we can be friends as well and I don’t know for sure yet. I want to be able to confide in him, but with his busy schedule and his academics, is it really worth it? I mean, why confide in someone who can barely make time to listen to me? And we just met, so can I really dump all that on him anyway? A part of me wants to, but I think that part wants it for the wrong reason. I’m thinking that if I confide in him, he’ll see how truly broken I am and maybe the knight in him will want to come in and save me.
But that thinking is all wrong. It’s all just wrong. I should be waiting for the right person, not just trying to blindly find that helping hand.
This whole weekend has just been one big downer for me. I tried to go shopping for shoes on Saturday and although that did pick up my spirits quite a bit, I quickly fell back down again. But hey, at least I got some good shoes out of it, no?
I just… I hate this feeling of being so depressed. I don’t want to be; I want to get over this goddamned hump and I want to do it soon. It’s been almost one year since everything started to fall apart and I just want to get over it, I want to get over him, I want to really start healing.
And the other part just wants to find someone who will take care of me. I’ve been trying so hard to do it myself, but with no luck. It’s been tough, it’s been hard and I really just want someone to come in and let me rest, even if it for a bit. But sadly, no one wants to do that and there’s no way I can ask anybody to do that for me.
I just feel so broken, so shattered, so… everything dark. I stayed in all Thursday, not doing anything. I didn’t go to school, didn’t go to work. I didn’t see anyone except for Asian Dude and that was just for a brief moment. I even tried to see RN, but even that didn’t make me feel any better. He said the words, “You’re beautiful.” and I started crying.
It’s so pathetic of me. Things like that, those things were all I wanted from him and he couldn’t give that to me. I wanted so desperately to be loved by him and no matter what I did, I could never get it, not even an inkling. I feel so pathetic for being like this, for being so vulnerable, for being so hurt.
I really want to be happy one day. And I really hope that one day is soon, but I’m not holding my breath.
Tags: Asian Dude, dating, MH, MJ, RN, SS
Posted at 1:57 am | Comment (1)
1st July, 2008
This Is Only Week Two?
I shouldn’t be typing right now and should instead be getting ready for my long day tomorrow. But I fear that if I don’t post, then I’ll forget and the one after this one will be really long, which can’t happen. Well, it can, but I’d rather it not.
So last you heard from me was Thursday. Nothing too particularly interesting on Thursday. I went to class, then work. I was supposed to meet up with Asian Dude after work, but he had to work on a lab with a partner, so he couldn’t bail out. I know, if he were doing it alone, then he’d be all mine, but since there was someone else, he couldn’t leave.
Friday night, MJ, XG (MJ’s friend), SS, SS’s friend, and I went to a club. It was a Pink and White ball, except about a third of the guests really dressed for the occasion. The club usually hosts a 21+ night, but because of the ball, they made an exception. We got there as soon as it opened for about twenty minutes, the floor was pretty empty as they were checking people in. Eventually the club got full and the music got to pumping and we were just dancing it off. At one point, XG and I ended up dancing on top of a block, above everyone else. It wasn’t high enough to be on a different floor; just a block. At one point, another chick wanted to join us, but since only two were allowed, XG stepped to the side. Before the end of our “dance,” the chick ended up asking me if I liked girls. I told her that I could, but I figured my reaction answered her question. I gotta admit, that was pretty cool as my first lesbian experience. Near the end of the night, I was getting pretty tired. My feet were hurting, the selection of boys/men was devastation (all the cute ones were either not there or taken!), and since people were drunk, it was hard to be in the same place as everyone else. XG and I stepped out early, thinking that it would only go on for another half hour, but it was extended for a full hour. Luckily, we got some food while we waited.
Saturday, I packed my suitcase to go home for the night. My aunt from Vietnam came to visit and I’ve never met her, so I thought I’d come home. I didn’t even know that there was a dinner until my mother called me on Thursday night. My aunt and her husband were pretty alright. I think it was more of a grown-up meeting than a kids meeting. It’s okay though, that’s how it goes with the grown-ups, no? It’s just amusing to me that even though most of us, the cousins that is, are over 18, we’re still seated at the “kids” table. It’s usually because there’s no room at the “grown-up” table and if there is, it’s reserved for the really older kids.
I slept most of Sunday before heading back to town. I just hated the fact that back at home, which is an hour away, it’s nice and warm, but heading back to the college town was completely different. There were smoke and fog everywhere and it was cold too! Stupid weather. I just wish California would stop burning.
Today (Monday for me still), was pretty crappy. Well, the day began kind of okay. I had turned off my first alarm so when the second one went off, the one that would play really loud music, I knew I had to get up. I wasn’t even liking the dream anyway; something about a boyfriend being stupid and me having to console my friend afterward. Everything was fine and dandy until I had to drop off a prescription to the pharmacy before heading into class. I got a call as soon as I reach my hall with the pharmacist telling me that my insurance company was not covering my pills. As soon as I heard that, I tried frantically to remedy the issue. I wasn’t sure of what the real problem was, but anyone I talked to on the insurance side seemed pretty incompetent. I later had to call a different line which provided me with much more service than the insurance side did, so it made my day slightly better. I was still pretty upset though and then I stayed upset at myself for being so upset.
I’m just sleepy now. I ended up spending a few hours with Asian Dude tonight and it was pretty fun. We talked a bit about this and that, comparing our high schools… well, more like having him prove to me that his school was a lot poorer than mine. I didn’t realize that there was such a disparity, but I guess there is.
Tomorrow is a pretty full day for me. I’ve got my PE class, then another class right after. I’ve a small hour break or so, but then I have to show up for a toric lens study (contact lens for those with astigmatism) and that’s going to take about an hour and half, just in time for me to head in straight to work. Basically, I’m going to be gone for about 16 hours tomorrow. Hip hip hooray.
Tags: Asian Dude, Club 525, clubbing, family, insurance, MJ, SS, XG
Posted at 2:02 am | Comments (2)