7th July, 2008
This Is When My Weekend Could’ve Been Better
I wouldn’t necessarily say that I had a real shitty weekend, but let’s say that with my mood, it could have been a lot better.
For the 4th of July, I thought that I would take MJ to San Francisco to see the fireworks. I tried leaving her messages on Facebook and called her once to see what the plan was, but she never got back to me. I found out from my roommate, SS, that she and MJ and some other people were going to Las Vegas for the weekend instead. Now, if there was something I did that would make MJ avoid me, then I can understand, but if it’s just a lack of wanting to speak with me, then that’s something else. I’m a little bitter, but at this point, I don’t really care. She was fun and that’s that. I didn’t invest a lot of time and effort nor did I get too attached, so at this point, I’m fine.
On the brighter side, MH and I have been slowly regaining our friendship back. I don’t talk too much about my feelings and neither does he, but it’s okay. I spilled a little over this weekend, but really, I had to. He wanted to hang out some time this week, but we’re both busy, so we’ll have to do it in about two weeks, especially after all my midterms are over.
Asian Dude and I are… I don’t really know for sure. There’s the physical aspect to our “relationship” but at the same time, I’m trying to figure out if we can be friends as well and I don’t know for sure yet. I want to be able to confide in him, but with his busy schedule and his academics, is it really worth it? I mean, why confide in someone who can barely make time to listen to me? And we just met, so can I really dump all that on him anyway? A part of me wants to, but I think that part wants it for the wrong reason. I’m thinking that if I confide in him, he’ll see how truly broken I am and maybe the knight in him will want to come in and save me.
But that thinking is all wrong. It’s all just wrong. I should be waiting for the right person, not just trying to blindly find that helping hand.
This whole weekend has just been one big downer for me. I tried to go shopping for shoes on Saturday and although that did pick up my spirits quite a bit, I quickly fell back down again. But hey, at least I got some good shoes out of it, no?
I just… I hate this feeling of being so depressed. I don’t want to be; I want to get over this goddamned hump and I want to do it soon. It’s been almost one year since everything started to fall apart and I just want to get over it, I want to get over him, I want to really start healing.
And the other part just wants to find someone who will take care of me. I’ve been trying so hard to do it myself, but with no luck. It’s been tough, it’s been hard and I really just want someone to come in and let me rest, even if it for a bit. But sadly, no one wants to do that and there’s no way I can ask anybody to do that for me.
I just feel so broken, so shattered, so… everything dark. I stayed in all Thursday, not doing anything. I didn’t go to school, didn’t go to work. I didn’t see anyone except for Asian Dude and that was just for a brief moment. I even tried to see RN, but even that didn’t make me feel any better. He said the words, “You’re beautiful.” and I started crying.
It’s so pathetic of me. Things like that, those things were all I wanted from him and he couldn’t give that to me. I wanted so desperately to be loved by him and no matter what I did, I could never get it, not even an inkling. I feel so pathetic for being like this, for being so vulnerable, for being so hurt.
I really want to be happy one day. And I really hope that one day is soon, but I’m not holding my breath.
Tags: Asian Dude, dating, MH, MJ, RN, SS
Posted at 1:57 am | Comment (1)
23rd June, 2008
This Is The Return Of The… Maria?
Okay, not really, but that’s the phrase that was stuck in my head as I was thinking of a title.
So, recap of the rest of my weekend, which, did not end at that house party. First off, my hickey went away in just two days! Back to the rest of the stuff. Saturday came about and I was pretty much lounging around until it was time to get to work. I was cleaning up here and there, but nothing too much. Then I get a call about an hour and half before I’m schedule to go in and they tell me that I don’t have to go. So I stay and I clean some more, take care of laundry, etc. I end up talking to Cat Lady down the hall and she tells me some rumors about the new owners of the apartment building. I excuse myself because I can hear my phone ring from two doors down and it turns out to be MJ, asking if I’d be interested in going to a party later that night.
Well, since I had gone into Cat Lady’s house and I am quite allergic to cats (I suppose if it’s in a very cat-infested environment; not when they’re cute and cuddly outside), so I started getting really itchy. When MJ called, I was kind of irritated and was in no mood to feel like going out, even though it was hours before, but it’s just one of those things, you know? Anyway, so I tell her that I’m unsure and to check back with me later. She gives the details to my roommate and since the frat house is color to MJ than it is to SS and me, SS and I leave together and try calling MJ to meet up. MJ didn’t end up going because she got upset that the housemates she was going to go with kind of ditched her, so it was just SS and I.
It was definitely a different vibe than the night before. There were four tables set up solely for beer pong and not much of a dance party. Poor SS, I could tell that she was bored because 1) the boys were not to her liking 2) all they had was beer 3) no dancing 4) no one she knew. I ended up running into someone I knew years ago, but that was as far as our acquaintance went. I ended up signing up for a game of pong with a partner (a random dude; never got his name or I did and have forgotten it) and I won! I had to admit, I was pretty badass in that first game.
SS and I stayed for a while, just trying to chat with some boys and whatnot, and also hoping that our Irish boys will get back to us about another party, but neither did. As I was just hanging out, another friend, AL, sent me a text talking about how he was stressed, bored, and wanted something to do, so I invited him over to the frat. I was about to start another game of pong when he showed up, so I made him my partner. Unfortunately, we lost. I admit it may have had to do with the fact that I was already a little buzzed when the game started, so that would’ve affected my game just a bit. As for AL… maybe it’s just not his game.
After we finished that, we hung out for a bit, then headed out. SS wanted to head home anyway, so we split our ways there. I went back to AL’s room and had me some nice shots of Patron and weed… then passed out. No, nothing happened between us. It was just a simple way to end the night with some good alcohol.
I woke up quite early (around 8:30am or so) and headed back to my place so I could peacefully sleep. However, when I got back, I got a call from work telling me that they needed me (even though they called the day before and said they didn’t), so I quickly showered, dressed, and went to work. Afterward, I called up Asian Dude so we could meet up.
Asian Dude and I ended up walking to the Big C and I knew it was going to be a painful walk, but since he had never been, I thought I’d take him. It was a pretty nice view, but a bit cloudy, so we couldn’t see the Golden Gate Bridge from where we were. It was a nice setting; we sat, we talked… and yes, I finally got my good kiss. We headed back about an hour after that and parted our ways.
I know, I know that we’re not looking for something, but is it silly of me to feel a bit… light? I mean, sure, there was the Irish boy, but I know that there is absolutely no chance in hell it could ever work. But with Asian Dude, there’s still that possibility and I hate knowing that because it gives me hope, it gives me the chance to fantasize, it gives me a chance to pretty much disappoint myself, no? But I kind of like being able to smile again, even if it is a little one. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to do that and considering everything that’s happened in the last year, it’s about time!
I wrapped up Sunday by passing out after the hike, waking up in time for church, then heading over to RN’s place to spend the night. If the old me had met me now, I wouldn’t even know what the hell happened. But I suppose this is how the single life in college is supposed to be, no? The fun side of everything? I don’t really know for sure; my sister, I don’t think anyway, wasn’t single for long in college, but then again, she got an earlier start on juggling men than I did… or so it seemed anyway. I don’t really know anybody else who’s enjoying her single-hood besides my roommate and NN… about a year ago anyway.
Speaking of NN… I totally miss her! She and I never got the chance to party together and here I am, trying to find something to do each week and she’s not here. Granted, we are going to go to Vegas in a few months, but still!
School started today. Well, school has been in session for me since I’m taking the PE course, but my actual classes, the ones that matter, started today and of course, I already have 100+ pages to read by Wednesday and I don’t know how much more reading I’ll have to add to that when I go to my next class tomorrow. So far, it seems like it could be an interesting class, if not, then a relatively easy class.
Anyway, it’s late, I’m tired and sore from the hike this morning and all the weight training exercise I did this morning. I’m going to hate tomorrow because right after my PE class, I have to go to my next class and that won’t give me any time to shower! Yikes! I really don’t want to be the smelly one, but I might. Or at least without makeup, which I don’t want to do either. Damn you Tuesdays. And Mondays too.
Tags: AL, Asian Dude, beer pong, dating, MJ, NN, party, RN, school, SS, work
Posted at 10:25 pm | Comments (2)