3rd November, 2008
This Is The Delaying
Yes, I am blogging so I can procrastinate. Why do I always do this? Every time I have a big midterm to study for, I always end up finding other things to do besides studying. It’s a very bad habit. Bad me, bad me.
Recap of the weekend:
EC came up on Saturday. We had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen (CPK) and then watched Zack and Miri Make A Porno. It was a really funny movie. However, it was very borderline NC-17, so for those who aren’t into all the raunchy, dirty sex jokes and whatnot, I would not recommend this movie to you. Otherwise, you should check it out. EC ended up spending the night and then left Sunday morning. It was nice and quiet. I suppose that I made my decision by failing not to take action when I last wrote about the whole EC thing. I think that maybe, and this is just a maybe, I need some time to get used to the idea of making things casual. Okay, I have to admit that all this week, I made sure that I wasn’t going to initiate the first contact of the day. I think, in a way, that helps me distance myself from him because I’m not waiting for a reply, or waiting to see if he notices my text messages or emails or whatever it is I send him.
But again, this is all just “thinking.” I don’t know for sure and I won’t know for sure (until it’s too late) if I’m ready for all this “casual” stuff. I mean, yes, it’s nice knowing that I can see someone on a weekly basis, that he doesn’t mind making the drive to see me and won’t bitch about shit. Even if it doesn’t go much deeper, and I have to admit that I’m not all expecting it to, I think I’ll be okay. I like his company. I like the refreshing feeling that I get when I think back on how tied down I was to the last two boyfriends. EC is different. Money is not a big issue for us; I don’t feel as if I’m being guilted into doing something and I actually do want to go out because we can go out to the same places.
Everything is different and maybe that’s why I have the hope that I can get through this. I hope I can. I haven’t really thought much more about this whole casual thing in a way that would make me sad. Sure, I might not fall in love and he might not fall in love, but really, is that something that I should be worrying about now? Is that something that I should be looking for? I’m only 21 and since I do have a five-year dating minimum, then it’s going to be a while before I even bother to think about the serious stuff.
I think I can do it. This is fun and I don’t think I’ll mind too much if that’s all it is. I may not even be ready for something serious anyway so this… is refreshing. It’s good. It’s a new scene.
And speaking of refreshing, over the last few days, I’ve been thinking about where I was last year. One year ago, I was a mess. It was horrible. I know that in a few weeks, it’ll mark the anniversary of when I sent myself to the hospital. I look back on those times, that year and a half that was all about SB and I’m in awe. Looking back reminds me of Batman Begins because of how dark it is. In that movie, there was quite the grim feeling, no? So when I look back on my year and a half, I see darkness. I hid myself so much from him because I wanted to be somebody that he would love. I liked him and I knew that he was damaged and like a stereotypical woman, I wanted to fix him. I wanted to be the one. I wanted to make everything all better and I wanted him to love me.
Except, that failed miserably. I changed, if not disguised, myself to be the person that I thought he would want. I didn’t drink; I wasn’t social; I wanted to spend all of my time with him. It was very unhealthy.
When I look at how I’m living now, I see brightness. Or at least a clear contrast on my life then and now. Now, I’m not trying to please anybody but myself. Now, I don’t have to answer to anyone but me. I do what I want and I know what I want, or at least have a better idea of what I want. I want to be social, I want to drink, I want to go clubbing, I want to dress provocatively. I don’t want to try to change for someone, I don’t want to feel as if somebody else’s presence makes me want to be any different than what I want to be.
I guess what I want to say is that SB dragged me down into the hole. Or I allowed myself to be dragged into said hole. And now that he’s not here, not in my life and not affecting me emotionally to the point where my entire day is ruined, things feel better. I feel happier or more content with myself. I feel happier being me now than I did one year ago. And that, is something I’m grateful for.
Tags: Batman Begins, brightness, CPK, dark, dinner, EC, life, light, midterm, movies, SB, Zack and Miri, Zack and Miri Make A Porno
Posted at 1:52 am | Comment (0)
20th September, 2008
This Was Nerve-Wrecking
I was on my way to my parents’ last night but ended up being delayed by two hours. Sure, it was a little aggravating because I had made my trip all the way to Millbrae just to hop back on the BART to go to Fremont. Basically, I went to one end of the system to the other and wasted about $10.
However, the tragedy that occurred definitely doesn’t compare to my slight frustration. I’ve been going to the Millbrae station for a while now because it connects to the Caltrain, which has train stops a lot closer to my parents’ home than the last Fremont BART station. The Caltrain travels on land. There are no ramps or tunnels. All on flat land. However, to accommodate the rush hour travelers who don’t want to stop at every station (which is time consuming), they created express trains.
Last night, an express train going northbound hit a woman and killed her. At some train stations, you can cross the tracks to get to the opposite side to go the other direction. The woman wanted to hop onto the southbound train that was already stopped. However, since the northbound express train was approaching, the gates were done, which should have prevented people from crossing. Unfortunately, the woman misjudged the express train’s distance and speed and tried to cross anyway. That, ladies and gentlemen, was her last decision.
As I was on the BART to Fremont, I kept thinking about things. See, my original plan was to hop onto the Caltrain earlier, but the BART had a delay which prevented me from catching the first train I could have caught had the BART been on time. (I was waiting for the second train as I heard the news) I kept wondering if the train that hit the pedestrian was the train that I was supposed to be on (and no, it wasn’t since I was traveling southbound). That thought kept me a little rattled since I have never been in an accident that tragic or massive.
All that thinking and my mood for the last few days really got me to reevaluate my behavior. I need to grow up, basically. I keep giving into my indulgences, my impulses, which are things that children are supposed to do, not adults. I’ve been doing this for the last however many years and the fact that I’m going to confess to my father tonight about my financial situation proves to him and to me that I’m not ready to do all this world stuff yet. I kept fooling myself but until I can make that decision to stop my bullshitting and get passed all of this juvenile stuff, I can’t be on my own.
Tags: life, thoughts
Posted at 10:41 am | Comment (1)