11th November, 2008
This Was A New Week With Slight Frustration
The midterm went okay. I got 20/25 right. Not the greatest, but not the worst.
This week has been… very interesting. Last Monday, I passed out afterward since I didn’t get much sleep. On Tuesday, I met up with a friend, TW. We grabbed some disgustingly fat, but delicious chili cheese fries from Weinerschnitzel, a few beers, and then crashed at my place to eat. We both watched Wall-E for the first time. It was such a cute movie! I cried near the end because it looked sad. Sure, I knew that because it’s Disney, it wasn’t going to stay sad for long, but it was still a touching moment for me.
Wednesday was NN’s birthday dinner. Her birthday was actually Saturday, but I suppose that a good chunk of people could make it out, so she had two celebrations. One for those who were more available on Wednesday and one for those available on Saturday. We went out to AsiaSF, a place known for its transsexuals, which I didn’t know about until I had gotten there myself. The “girls” put on a nice little dance show for us. The food was alright, a bit overpriced, but it was all fun. Afterward, we headed out to Castro street and hit up a few bars/clubs: Skylark, The Bar, and Badlands. We got to meet Russell Brand at The Bar and it was awesome! He is much taller than I expected. I only remembered him from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but apparently he hosted one of the MTV award shows and was recently a part of a prank too. All in all, it was a pretty fun night. Slight drama, but nothing major.
On Thursday, there was a VSA general meeting and then the plan after that was to hit up Blake’s, the only 18+ club in Berkeley. However, since it’s in the middle of the semester, very few people showed up, so I left early, probably around midnight or so. On my way out, I ended up meeting two dudes from Wisconsin. One is a graduate student and the other, his brother (both in the familial and fraternity sense apparently), was visiting different schools for his graduate studies. Anyway, they invited me for a drink at the bar across the street. Then they decided to get another one and since I wasn’t in the mood for my night to end yet, I went with. They seemed like relatively interesting fellows and usually my instincts are good about that. The next bar we hit up was Beckett’s where they proceeded to buy me another drink. This time, it was a Tokyo Tea. I don’t know what the alcohol level of that drink was, but I barely got through half of it before I was wasted. It was pretty awful. It was a fun night, I’ll admit that, but I can’t believe how quickly I got drunk off of one drink. Anyway, I got home safely, made sure to decline their invitation to head back to their place, and slept like a baby.
Friday was a long day. I had classes, then work, a small break, and then about three and a half hours of dance practice for VSA. It was also then that I started to feel sick too, so a lot was going on. On Saturday, I really felt the sickness coming in. My sinuses were getting clogged up, but I made it through the day. Saturday morning, I played touch football with a few other VSA members as we competed against Sigma Mu Delta, the pre-med fraternity. I knew that we weren’t going to win, but I just wanted to have a good time, which I did have. For lunch, I met up with my two freshman year roommates for a really belated birthday dinner. We had sushi and it was good just to catch up again. I tried my best to hurry to get to the South Bay to be with EC, but I didn’t end up getting there as early as I had expected. It was his friend’s birthday soiree, so we went out to dinner and had a few drinks with his friends. We went back to EC’s place, crashed, then really slept in. Well, at least I did. I was not only sick, but lacking sleep. I wanted to stay in as much as I could and besides, who doesn’t love waking up next to someone you’re fond of? He drove me back to Berkeley as I went back to dance practice again. I was really tired, so I did the best I could.
Today was an okay day. It was a little gloomy, but nothing too major. I had more dance practice and just some time to think about things. Last night after church, JL stopped by. We talked about a few things and he expressed his concern for me too.
Every time I tell someone that I’m in this casual relationship, they all ask me the same question: “Why are you in a relationship?” Nobody seems to understand that although he may not and I may not have complete intentions to settle down with one another or make this a serious relationship, it doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy each other enough to make it exclusive. It’s like what I did with DL. I knew that I was never going to settle down with him, I knew that there wasn’t going to be a “happily ever after” for us, but I stayed with him anyway because I had a good time. NN did the same with her previous boyfriend.
I’m just frustrated because nobody understands that logic. I’ll admit that I didn’t either, but it’s hard to understand something like this until you’ve done it yourself. I just really hate having to explain myself over and over again. I’d rather not tell people anything at this point. I understand that JL and others are concerned for me and for my feelings, but after what happened last year, I doubt that anything will come along anytime soon that will put me in that same position.
And they don’t understand that either! For SB, I would have given him everything. If we were to ever get to a “settling down” phase, I would have fought with my parents for their blessing. I would have sacrificed everything for him. After losing him and going through the heartbreak I went through, I don’t think anyone is going to make me feel the same way again, at least not anytime soon.
So why does everybody think that I’m going to get hurt? What if, for once, I don’t want to be in a serious relationship and worry about bringing him home to the parents or where we’ll live and what we’ll name the kids? What if I just want to have fun? Is that so hard to do?
But nobody understands. They tell me that I should not even be his “girlfriend.” They tell me that I should just be the fuck buddy. But nobody tells me that the understand and quite frankly, I don’t think anybody is really trying to understand where I’m coming from.
Tags: AsiaSF, EC, JL, NN, Russell Brand, school, TW, VSA, Wall-E
Posted at 12:20 am | Comments (2)
22nd September, 2008
This Was Just The Cherry On Top
“You never make me happy.”
Those are the exact words that I never want to hear, words that I strive to prevent myself from hearing. However, it seems that I keep failing at that.
My dad took a look at my statements today and blew up once I explained to him that I had been paying for Gary’s phone. Once he blew up, I blew up. I was probably hysterically crying for a good half an hour, at least. I was dry heaving for a good five minutes too. I wish I could have puked; that maybe would have made me feel better, but I haven’t puked since middle school, so no luck with that. Of course, I could hear my mother in the background with all of her unnecessary comments. She actually suggested that I file for bankruptcy. I think it’s part of her tough love idea and also because my mother is cheap as all hell and doesn’t want my dad to pay such a large amount. Though I haven’t read up on all of the consequences of claiming bankruptcy, I can only imagine that it’s not a good outcome. No credit, no cards, etc for at least seven years, according to my mother anyway.
After the oh-so wonderful phone call with my dad, I have a feeling that he’s going to take care of my bills for me, but he’s extremely disappointed. As am I, of course.
Maybe the reason why my doctor couldn’t get into my head was that he was trying to see things from an adult point of view whereas I was thinking as an adult, but doing as a child.
I had a nightmare this morning. First off, I hate dreams in which I’m running away from someone who’s trying to hurt me because no matter what I do, I can never get far away enough. This morning was no different except for the fact that the person I was running from was my dad. Then I thought about it some more after the phone call and I realized that my dad is probably the only person who could hurt me the most.
Then I thought about it some more and I remembered what my doctor had mentioned a while ago. He commented that he noticed some resemblances with SB and my dad. Now, I found that a little disturbing, but I could understand where he was coming from. Today, I realized that perhaps one of the reasons why I took everything so hard when things ended was that I had grown an attachment to him similar to the one I have with my dad. Because I had somehow seen the resemblance of my father in SB, when SB left, it was crushing for me.
Since no one was free nor close enough to come over and console me right away, I ended up calling CC. I had actually called him yesterday to catch up a little, but today, I needed someone. I quickly explained why I felt so crappy and told him to start talking about other things so I could take my mind off the stress. Thankfully, it helped and within ten minutes, I had stopped crying and heaving. Afterward, JL stopped by to help comfort me before we headed out to church.
Despite how I feel now and how crappy this whole day has been, I know that I’m truly blessed to have everything that I have. My father continues to love me despite all the grief, pain, and stress I put him through. My friends are here for me (though sometimes individually questionable). I still have my health (while I’m not destroying it with the smoking anyway), I still have my roof, my bed, a lot to be thankful for.
Anyway, I’m tired. I want to do some work before I head off though, so hopefully I’ll get to that in this whole revamp of “me.”
Tags: CC, doctor, family, JL, SB
Posted at 1:05 am | Comments (2)