21st May, 2010
Test Event
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Posted at 11:34 am | Comment (0)
16th February, 2009
This Is One Of Those Days
Yes, I know, I’ve neglected this particular blog. Though JLS knows where I’ve headed. Plus, I feel as if I less time to really talk about the mundane stuff. If not, then it’s the idea that I have less time.
I found myself a new crush, SMD Boy. We were supposed to meet today and I was really looking forward to it, but he asked for a raincheck because his frat moved the meeting to a time that I suppose was inconvenient for him. I’m still a little bummed, a lot more sad when I had first received the message. I guess when I heard that, all these thoughts came back.
Anyone who knows me hates it when people flake/cancel on me. I’ve had to deal with it for too long from too many people. I don’t want to hold people like I did JYL when I just kept assuming that she would flake on me. If I have to do that with someone that I like, then it’s not worth it.
So I became bummed out about that and ever since yesterday morning, I’ve been thinking about SB.
SMD Boy and I were texting on Valentine’s Day (I had dinner plans with two of my favorite girls: MP and NN). He ended up getting really wasted. When he had left the bar and gotten some food, he called. I thought he was relatively fine, but apparently not so much. He came over and we watched Zack and Miri. I didn’t let him do anything though; I really like him and lately, I’ve felt cheapened, so I wanted to wait. I let him sleep with me on my bed. When he finally woke up, he was a little startled to see where he was. I guess that he ended up blacking out when he came over last night, so he doesn’t remember the movie at all. I know how to pick them, right?
Anyway, when he did wake, we stayed in bed for a while longer. Again, I wouldn’t let him “hit home,” but he was able to sneak in some fondling. But laying there, it felt so nice. I hadn’t had someone hold me like that for a while. Even when he was sleeping, he held me and caressed me. A big improvement from sleeping next to EC who kept to himself. But he… he didn’t make me feel like an object, he made me feel… different. I can’t explain it, but he did.
Since then, little flashbacks of SB come back. I keep thinking about the times that we were together and how intimate that was and ever since then, I haven’t been able to find anyone who could make me feel the same way. I mean, I know, I fell a little for EC, but that was different. It was so… in a way, cut and dry. We met, had our weekly dates. The third date came around and… well, stuff happened. It was all so “normal,” you know?
But with SMD Boy, it’s definitely not normal. We met for dates, sure, but not always consisting of dinner. And the amount of obscene and dirty jokes we make between us… oh my goodness. (Thus, the reason why he was briefly named “Dirty Dude”)
We still don’t talk on the phone, but I’m smiling again. I looked at him while he was sleeping and I just… I want this to work. I know, he’s graduating this semester, I know he still has to go to med school and I still need to figure out what I want to do, but I want this to work.
I’m so excited and I’m so happy, it’s hard for me to contain it sometimes. I think all of my VSA cabinet, if not then a good chunk of them, know that I’m interested in him. And stupid me, it’s not even official! Goodness me.
Even though I know that I’m happy about this, there’s this somber feeling.
I was talking to a friend of mine and he sent me a song that feeds my feeling. “Come Back To Me” by Utada Hikaru. Most of the lyrics don’t really pertain to me, but a few lines do, such as: “baby come back to me, I’ll be everything you need, baby come back to me, you’re one in a million.” Those same lines are ones that I would’ve sung a year ago, despite knowing that he would have never come back. We had crossed that threshold where we could never regain anything.
I’m really afraid that I’m just going to keep messing things up. That’s why I didn’t want to have sex with SMD Boy. I like him a lot and I would much rather have him respect me and if that means I have to fight to keep my legs closed, I’ll do it. I don’t want to be “easy” and I don’t want our every encounter to always be about sex.
He brings out the cute in me, what can I say? I haven’t been that way in so long, I forgot that I could be cute.
Anyway, I took a massive nap despite the massive load of reading I need to do.
Tags: SB, SMD Boy
Posted at 6:07 pm | Comment (1)