This Is When My Weekend Could’ve Been Better

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I had a real shitty weekend, but let’s say that with my mood, it could have been a lot better.

For the 4th of July, I thought that I would take MJ to San Francisco to see the fireworks. I tried leaving her messages on Facebook and called her once to see what the plan was, but she never got back to me. I found out from my roommate, SS, that she and MJ and some other people were going to Las Vegas for the weekend instead. Now, if there was something I did that would make MJ avoid me, then I can understand, but if it’s just a lack of wanting to speak with me, then that’s something else. I’m a little bitter, but at this point, I don’t really care. She was fun and that’s that. I didn’t invest a lot of time and effort nor did I get too attached, so at this point, I’m fine.

On the brighter side, MH and I have been slowly regaining our friendship back. I don’t talk too much about my feelings and neither does he, but it’s okay. I spilled a little over this weekend, but really, I had to. He wanted to hang out some time this week, but we’re both busy, so we’ll have to do it in about two weeks, especially after all my midterms are over.

Asian Dude and I are… I don’t really know for sure. There’s the physical aspect to our “relationship” but at the same time, I’m trying to figure out if we can be friends as well and I don’t know for sure yet. I want to be able to confide in him, but with his busy schedule and his academics, is it really worth it? I mean, why confide in someone who can barely make time to listen to me? And we just met, so can I really dump all that on him anyway? A part of me wants to, but I think that part wants it for the wrong reason. I’m thinking that if I confide in him, he’ll see how truly broken I am and maybe the knight in him will want to come in and save me.

But that thinking is all wrong. It’s all just wrong. I should be waiting for the right person, not just trying to blindly find that helping hand.

This whole weekend has just been one big downer for me. I tried to go shopping for shoes on Saturday and although that did pick up my spirits quite a bit, I quickly fell back down again. But hey, at least I got some good shoes out of it, no?

I just… I hate this feeling of being so depressed. I don’t want to be; I want to get over this goddamned hump and I want to do it soon. It’s been almost one year since everything started to fall apart and I just want to get over it, I want to get over him, I want to really start healing.

And the other part just wants to find someone who will take care of me. I’ve been trying so hard to do it myself, but with no luck. It’s been tough, it’s been hard and I really just want someone to come in and let me rest, even if it for a bit. But sadly, no one wants to do that and there’s no way I can ask anybody to do that for me.

I just feel so broken, so shattered, so… everything dark. I stayed in all Thursday, not doing anything. I didn’t go to school, didn’t go to work. I didn’t see anyone except for Asian Dude and that was just for a brief moment. I even tried to see RN, but even that didn’t make me feel any better. He said the words, “You’re beautiful.” and I started crying.

It’s so pathetic of me. Things like that, those things were all I wanted from him and he couldn’t give that to me. I wanted so desperately to be loved by him and no matter what I did, I could never get it, not even an inkling. I feel so pathetic for being like this, for being so vulnerable, for being so hurt.

I really want to be happy one day. And I really hope that one day is soon, but I’m not holding my breath.