27th October, 2008
This Is When I Could Write
It turns out that the reason why I was in so much physical pain last week was due to having food stuck into the extraction site. Basically, because my gums could not heal properly, it was getting “infected” with the food stuck there and it was just an all-around bad, bad feeling.
Today, I’m not really going to go into the details of my last few weeks because at this point, it’s practically irrelevant. Instead, I’m going to write about what’s been on my mind for the last week or so.
After I had gotten back from Vegas, I met up with EC to have a nice dinner at home. We cooked food, etc, and I gave him his gift from Vegas. With said gift, I had also written a letter, just explaining why I had chosen the things I had chosen and just other random crap. I suppose that the letter gave him the impression that I wanted an actual relationship, so a few days later, he called me to talk.
He told me that what he was looking for out of this was something casual and fun. He enjoys my company, but doesn’t see me as a serious, long-term kind of relationship. I thought about all that for the day and realized that the only way I could keep it casual would be for me to drop the labels. Otherwise, I would just expect much more than he would deliver. When I told him that, he said that the labels didn’t matter to him. Maybe I was hearing what I wanted to hear, but when he told me that he had actually told his friends about me, it made me feel as if there was hope.
I know, I know that I should walk away. Everything is telling me to walk away before I get too far in and get myself hurt. But, I can’t seem to pry myself away. In front of him, I’m cool. I’m what he wants me to be: fun and casual. But behind the scenes, I think about it constantly. I see other couples and I think to myself that they have something I can’t have. Even though by definition, I’m in the same damn thing that they are, they will always have something more than I will ever have.
I should leave, but I’m afraid to be alone. Sure, in a way, I’m still “alone” now considering how frequently I see him, but it’s a different kind of alone. I guess that in a way, I want to know that there’s someone, someone who’s supposed to be more than a friend, that someone, will care about me.
But I’m really fooling myself. I know that he’s got his mind set and once a man has that done, there’s rarely any way for me, a mere woman, to change that. If I’m not going to be his serious relationship, then I’m not going to be.
Everything is telling me to leave, but I’m too afraid, too hopeful, too stupid.
All I want is for someone to realize how awesome I am and for that someone to be someone that I need, someone that I want. I haven’t had one long term relationship or friendship with anyone for so long. I don’t remember the last time I could hold onto someone for longer than a year (except a couple).
With SB, I was always searching for love, I wanted him to love me. And now with EC, I know that it’s not going to happen. I know, but I still hope.
I feel so foolish and yet, so immobile.
Tags: EC, teeth extraction, toothache
Posted at 5:57 pm | Comment (1)
23rd October, 2008
This Is The Immense Pain
I feel like I’ve gotten my cramps all over again, except this time, in my mouth.
The reason why I haven’t been able to update as frequently in the last few days is because I’ve been drugged up. Even when I wrote that last post, I was drugged up. On Saturday, I went to the dentist and had him extract two teeth to make room for the whole braces operation. Afterward, I passed out for five hours, despite getting a lot of sleep the night before.
Yes, the extraction hurts like a bitch and it’s starting to hurt again now. I think my pain either got worse, as in I may have done something to make it worse or it got worse on its own, or I’ve developed a higher tolerance for Advil. If so, then I’m fucked. Seriously, they should have just given me Vicodin or something. What pisses me off more is that when I had my wisdom teeth pulled (yes, I did both of them separately), it didn’t hurt this much for this long. I was fine after a day or two. But this pain? It’s immense. I can cry with this pain because it’s that horrible.
And of course, I’m braving it all out again by going back this Saturday to pull out the other two. I’m fucked.
I have other things on my mind as well, but at the moment, since the pain is returning, this is all I can think about.
Tags: dentist, pain, teeth extraction, toothache
Posted at 1:06 am | Comment (1)