24th July, 2008
This Was Just Another Few Days… Kind Of
First off, I have a horrible toothache. Actually, thinking about it, it’s the first toothache I’ve ever had that didn’t result from some sort of dental work. It was strange because it started hurting midday, in between my brushing and my next meal. It started to hurt so bad that I had to take two Advils instead of one. I’ve got me a dentist appointment for this Saturday. I wish it could be sooner, but I can’t get away from school early enough to do so. Besides, the pain is tolerable enough to an extent where I can wait a few more days.
Second, I’ve decided that after my next two visits with my doctor, they will be my last, at least until the new year starts again. The pills aren’t helping me in the way they’re supposed to. I’m basically using them now to stay awake during class and that’s about it.
I heard from KM today. Well, kind of. I finally asked him why he had just been so turned off to me after having confessed all his feelings. Well, it turns out that he had wanted to get it off his chest, but wasn’t looking for a relationship. Once he told me that, I told him that I, too, was not interested in something exclusive, at least for the moment anyway. Well, he told me to call him tomorrow. We’ll see what happens?
I’ve been thinking lately about what someone had once said to me. I had only known him for a day or so, but what I remember is this: He looked into my eyes and said that even though I smile on the outside, there’s a lot of darkness and pain inside. Note that this person said this two years ago.
Sometimes I wonder, is it still there? If someone looks into my eyes, will that person see how much there is in my eyes? I don’t know, but it’s got me thinking.
Fuck, I’m sleepy, but I’ve got homework to finish. Maybe a nap.
Tags: doctor, KM
Posted at 1:14 am | Comment (1)
21st July, 2008
This Is The End, Finally
SB finished paying everything back today. As of now, there is nothing left that ties me to him except for my feelings. Not really feelings for him, but feelings of everything that’s happened.
A part of me wants to try and be friends, but I know that at this point, as I stand, I cannot do that. I have to move on and maybe, just maybe, when the time is right and enough time has passed, we may be able to be friendly to one another again, but the time is not now.
I was thinking about what I had just posted and Marie suggested that I should try to find strength in myself. I had to admit, it’s been very hard to do so in the last couple of months. I keep telling myself that the time is coming, but everywhere I turn, there he is. Stockton street in San Francisco. Watching The Dark Knight, despite knowing how huge of a Batman fan he is. For now, at least, he’s everywhere. Hell, I can barely get DL out of my head and when I remember, I remember all the bad things that happened.
But for now, I need to stay away from him. I need to focus on me, focus on my school, my blessings, everything else, but him.
Tags: SB
Posted at 1:13 pm | Comment (1)