This Is Just A Thought

I’m starting to think that I’m incapable of sharing. Okay, I can share some things I suppose, but really, I hate doing it.

Asian Dude mentioned earlier that he has a date lined up for this week. Technically, it shouldn’t bother me, and I’m thinking it doesn’t, but I do feel a funny feeling. I think it might be part jealousy, part shock, and part “oh crap, I have competition?” Really though, it’s not a competition because I’m not looking for a relationship anyway. I’m not ready for a relationship.

Thinking about it though, all I’ve ever had were relationships. This whole “dating” thing is quite new to me still. I also find it strange that I have less of a problem dating more than one person. Sure, I don’t mention to the other that I’m dating around, but still. I thought it was a bit odd that Asian Dude would so casually put that in like it was just something else. True, we’re not exclusive, we’re not looking to fall in love, we’re not looking for anything serious, so why can’t he mention it? I’m not falling for him or anything.

Or so I think anyway. I’m beginning to notice a few more things that I wouldn’t have noticed before. For example, a lot of things Korean make me think of him. I was at my aunt’s house the other day and saw she had a CD Player whose brand was his name. As I was surfing through Facebook, there was a group that mentioned the fact that Edward Cullen (from the book Twilight) drove a silver Volvo, which reminded me that Asian Dude also has the same car.

I’m not falling for him. I actually think that at this point, I’m incapable of falling for anyone. At least for a long time anyway.

And thinking on this subject some more, I’ve decided that I don’t want to settle. I want to find someone who will want to take care of me, who will want to express how much he wants to be with me, someone who will pay attention to me but also help me tune into him. Asian Dude is fun, but he’s got so much more to learn; he’s just not someone that I could see myself with down the line. Two years isn’t that much of a difference, but during the growing years, it is. I need to find someone who understands where I’m coming from but can still hold his own values. I need someone who will be able to want me, but also want space.

Ideally, I’d want that someone to come to me, but in reality, that’s probably not going to happen anytime soon.