One more hour and the day is over. That’s it.

It started off fine. I went to class, then headed to my appointment with the research center. As I’m waiting for the appointment to finish, I check my emails on my phone and I get a lovely message from my host telling me that my account has been suspended. Why? Apparently one of my hostees had uploaded some proxy files which caused the server to extremely lag last night from all its CPU usage. I was stressing out but couldn’t go home to a computer because I had signed up to donate blood with the Red Cross.

Of course, with my luck, the Red Cross took forever to process the queue line and at that point, I wasn’t even sure if it was going to be worth the wait considering how often I get deferred, but to my surprise, my hemoglobin count was a good 12.9, just above the minimum to donate. So I donated, then dashed out to go back to my apartment to fix this whole domain issue. However, running right after donating is not exactly the best idea.

I reply to the support ticket and wait. As I’m waiting, I do probably one of the stupidest things I could ever do.

I MySpaced him (SB).

And I found out that Bitch #2 moved with him to Washington.

And then I was no longer a pretty sight to see.

I rushed over to my friend’s apartment because I couldn’t take it just sitting here alone in mine. Plus, I needed that hug.

I hate that I’m still affected, that I can still be hurt, that I can still look like I had looked today. I hate that it’s been almost a year and I still can’t get past anything. I hate that I was so stupid today and I hate that I was so upset because I shouldn’t be upset! He’s gone! He has no other ties in my life and I should be happy! I should be rejoicing! But instead, I allow myself to be affected by him, by every stupid thing that reminds me of him. I hate it. I hate me for being this way.

I hate that I’m more focused on my emotions and my feelings instead of my school work and why I can’t get shit done. I’d say that I hate how my sessions with my doctor have been focused on school work, but really, that is what should matter. I should be focusing on why I can’t get any work done, not why I can’t get over this stupid boy. But instead, my priorities get flipped around.

Then you’d think that my shitty day ended there, right? Well no. I signed up to be a tutor through a some program and in order to actually start, all tutors must have some sort of an interview. My appointment for today was at 6pm in San Francisco. I got there early to make sure I wouldn’t get lost and was already waiting outside the room by 5:30pm.

Nobody showed up. I waited until 6:20pm until I decided to leave because it was ridiculous. I wasted my time, my money, and my efforts for nothing. Standing me up like that was quite unprofessional and all I can say now is “Fuck them.” If they want me to work for them, then they had better come out here to Berkeley to meet with me because today was fucking ridiculous.

And yes, that last act pretty much sealed the day for me. I went home and napped because really, I had no more energy to do anything productive. Even now, I barely have the energy to type all this out, but I know that if I try to recall all this tomorrow, it will suck.

I just want everything bad from today to be left in today. It’s kind of like that “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” type of thing. What happened today, needs to stay in today.

In a way, anyway. JYL and I had plans to go shopping to find a cute bottom that would match my shirt. We went into H&M and browsed. I admit there wasn’t a good enough selection for what I was looking for. I went to the sale rack (of course) and picked up a pink dress that I thought was cute. To my surprise, it fit perfectly. The only downer is that it’s a little see-through, so when I wear it on Saturday night, I’ll have to make sure I’m wearing my butt-floss.

When we left the shopping center, there was a man on the bus. I didn’t take a good look at him, but he was sitting right next to me. He noticed that I had the Palm Centro and asked me how he could change the language on his phone because it was in Spanish. Just as I had finished pushing the buttons to reset the phone, it finally dawned on me that I was helping him with a stolen phone. I feel so horrible. I was so naive. I should have just lied and said that I didn’t know how to do it, or put it back to Spanish. I should have, but I didn’t. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

Tomorrow, I’m heading down to my parents for the day to get my tooth checked out. I didn’t hurt today, but just because it didn’t doesn’t mean it’s gone. Then I head back to Berkeley to go clubbing with JYL to my first 21+ club! Yes, I know that I’m not quite yet 21, but my roommate lent me her expired license, so hopefully, I don’t get caught!

Anyways, tired. I need to finish packing or at least figuring out what I need to take with me tomorrow.

First off, I have a horrible toothache. Actually, thinking about it, it’s the first toothache I’ve ever had that didn’t result from some sort of dental work. It was strange because it started hurting midday, in between my brushing and my next meal. It started to hurt so bad that I had to take two Advils instead of one. I’ve got me a dentist appointment for this Saturday. I wish it could be sooner, but I can’t get away from school early enough to do so. Besides, the pain is tolerable enough to an extent where I can wait a few more days.

Second, I’ve decided that after my next two visits with my doctor, they will be my last, at least until the new year starts again. The pills aren’t helping me in the way they’re supposed to. I’m basically using them now to stay awake during class and that’s about it.

I heard from Kris today. Well, kind of. I finally asked him why he had just been so turned off to me after having confessed all his feelings. Well, it turns out that he had wanted to get it off his chest, but wasn’t looking for a relationship. Once he told me that, I told him that I, too, was not interested in something exclusive, at least for the moment anyway. Well, he told me to call him tomorrow. We’ll see what happens?

I’ve been thinking lately about what someone had once said to me. I had only known him for a day or so, but what I remember is this: He looked into my eyes and said that even though I smile on the outside, there’s a lot of darkness and pain inside. Note that this person said this two years ago.

Sometimes I wonder, is it still there? If someone looks into my eyes, will that person sese how much there is in my eyes? I don’t know, but it’s got me thinking.

Fuck, I’m sleepy, but I’ve got homework to finish. Maybe a nap.