3rd June, 2008
This Is The Rehab
Maybe it’s a rehab for two different things, maybe it’s not.
No, it’s not for drugs, kind of. Unless you want to consider SB a sort of drug, then yes, it is rehab. Well, I call it “rehab” because it’s reference to Rihanna’s song, “Rehab.” (The lyrics are here and somewhere in the comments, there’s a link to a YouTube video where you can listen to the song.)
I finally closed down my MySpace. It was a much needed step since last year. I should have done it a long time ago, but I kept making excuses. I didn’t want to lose contact with people, I didn’t want all of the messages between SB and me gone, and so on. But I realized two things yesterday: 1) Most of the people I was friends with all have different methods of contact me, either via Facebook or because they’re family and 2) every time I go back, I’m reminded of everything and the temptation to search for him and look at his profile is hard to fight.
Okay, I admit that I decided to close it right after I did said search and then found the profile for the bitch that’s living with him now. (Note: this is a new bitch, not the old bitch from last year.) I pretty did that all on my own; I yanked off the bandaid and poured some nice salt on that damn wound. Stupid me, I know.
At the top, I mentioned a second rehab, kind of. Well, it wasn’t a decision as more of a feeling of not wanting to do it for the last couple days. Be brave. Open up Maria. You can do it.
About a month ago, exactly two months after I had decided to quit… I was no longer on “quit” mode. And since then, I had been doing it at least once a day, usually two or three times. They were lights, but still, it doesn’t make it any less harmful, right? It was pretty bad actually; when I had first started, it was one at a time, once a day. It got to three at a time once, but that was it. But with this relapse, it was more frequent, more times during the day. I’d do it on my way to work , on my way from work, or just when I felt like stepping outside to do it.
A part of me hates that I started again, but other part is in a way, apathetic. I know I should quit. There are signs everywhere, warnings everywhere, health risks everywhere, but I’m not getting that urge to. I haven’t even told my doctor about it. It’s quite frustrating because I don’t know what to do.
It’s that notion, you know? How do you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped? At the moment, I want to be helped, but I’m not really in the mood to put in all that effort, so in a way, I’m not ready to help myself yet.
Or maybe it’s replacing one drug with another?
I honestly don’t know. I doubt that it’s SB related, but when it comes to the psyche, it could be.
But yes, it’s part “rehab” because I haven’t done it since Friday, though that’s not saying much. I may as well end up doing it later, who knows?
Tags: "Rehab", MySpace, Rihanna, SB, smoking
Posted at 11:50 am | Comments (2)