19th May, 2008
This Is When The Post Continues
Well, last night, I ended the post rather early. There was much more that I had wanted to say, but I was too sleepy to say them. On top of that, I was so sleepy that this morning, I don’t remember turning off my alarms at all and overslept by about an hour and half! I basically woke up at the time I was supposed to be at work.
Yeah, I know, bad me. I was… I don’t know really. I just know that I honestly do not remember waking up to turn off my alarms at all.
My dad called yesterday and pretty much made me feel bad. It wasn’t his intention, though it never really is anyway. But he called because I had recently sent him a copy of what I had planned for my next two years here. (I forgot to mention that a week ago, I ended up talking to the Social Welfare advisor to ask him what my plan of action was and he noticed that I pretty much needed to get in right away, so he approved my application and I now have a major at Cal) He wanted to know a bunch of details that to me, didn’t matter too much, but to him, did. He asked things about why the major only accepted 130 students, about why they didn’t seem to put too much emphasis on a high GPA for those applying to the major (the other impacted majors do recommended a high GPA in order to get in), about what I would do afterward graduation, this and that. He was basically suggesting that Social Welfare is an easy major and I just wanted the easy way out. In way, it’s true that I wanted an easy way out, but in another, I’ve found a way to make this easy way work for me.
Anyway, so he called and badgered me and afterwards, I felt pretty shitty. I thought that I had done something good and although he wasn’t trying to put me down, he ended up doing so. Saying it out loud now, I think I do that too. At work on Saturday, my coworker was celebrating the fact that they had just cleared one section out of groceries in the front that had come in and I said, “But you still have that big pile in the back to take care of.”
I also felt bad because I had to explain to him that I had a change in my summer plans and would now be taking two classes at once for eight weeks. He said, basically demanded, that I have to quit my job for those eight weeks and if I need money, I need to tell him so he can give it to me. My position on that is that I would feel bad asking for money. The last time this came up, he made me feel guilty because he said that he would have to take money out of his savings to help me live here. This time, I feel bad because I know that he’s in search of a job and I don’t really want to take money away from him if the family needs it.
I brought this up to my doctor today and he said that it ties in with my not being able to save money because I’m so impulsive and that’s true. The reason why I don’t want to live by little means is that I have the impulse to indulge in luxuries every now and then and of course, it adds up.
I don’t know what to do. I could quit for those eight weeks, I could work for just a few hours, but I honestly don’t know. My doctor brought up some good points as to why I shouldn’t work and it’s not that my dad or my doctor are wrong in telling me that the hours I’m working could be hours that I’m studying, but I just… I don’t know. I just don’t know right now. I need to think some more.
Speaking of not knowing and thinking, so MC, SB’s roommate (for now anyway), asked me to help her out with something and I told her I needed to think on it. Back when I used to be at the apartment more often, I would help her out every now and then. She then went through a phase of having to hire new people, especially for the day. When she finally let go of the night attendant, MC had her teach me to make a certain thing for her. It was something that I had to later teach some of the new attendants afterwards. Anyway, so now the attendant who’s been there the longest and also the only one of the three who knows how to make this certain thing is leaving and MC wants me to teach the new person. I told her I needed to think about it because most of the time, I’ve had to teach the person inside the apartment and right now, with where I stand with SB, I don’t think I can handle being in that apartment. Hell, I can’t even look down the street nor the same paths anymore. MC says that she can have the new attendant meet me outside, but it… I don’t know. In a way, it brings back some memories that at this point, I don’t want to try and remember. (I forgot to mention that MC asked me because the attendant who’s leaving refuses to teach the new one because she’s bitter about losing the job).
I don’t know what to tell her. I honestly don’t want to do it, but if no one else can teach her, then what do I do? This puts me in a compromising position and I hate feeling like this. I have a few days to give her my answer before the thing she needs made runs out, but still. What do I say?
It’s all just a big mess. I’m a big mess. I don’t think I want to put this all in one post, so maybe I’ll save it for later tonight or tomorrow.
Tags: doctor, family, MC, SB, school, work
Posted at 9:01 pm | Comments (2)
19th May, 2008
This Was My Day Of Rest
I know it’s a bit blasphemous to compare myself to God, but since Sunday is my only day off usually, I feel as if it’s my “day of rest,” like God’s day of rest.
But nevermind that.
I was expecting CC to show up today, but when he sent me a text message this morning, he gave the impression (but didn’t explicitly say) that he wasn’t going to come visit me. It was odd to me because the night before, he had asked me to give him directions to my place. He never mentioned that there would have been a possibility that he couldn’t make it, so I assumed that he was going to be excited to show up, but he didn’t. Odd.
I don’t really want to use such a strong word like “whore” or “slut,” but at the moment, I’m feeling a little less monogamous. Okay, I’m not in any relationship or something, but to me, this is entirely new.
I am currently casually dating two people. Yes, I’ve only gone on one date with each of them, but still. This is more men at a time than I’ve ever had. BART Boy and I are going out Tuesday and Asian Dude and I are going out Wednesday. It feels so… scandalous to me. Except for now, it’s just casual and so I don’t feel as if I’m particularly hurting anyone? Sure, it would hurt if they knew about it, just because most people expect others to just date one person at a time, but see, there’s nothing serious yet, so why should I put off one for the possibility of something happening?
Anyway, in time, we’ll see what happens.
I do want to blog more, but right now I’m awful sleepy. Maybe more tomorrow/today.
Tags: Asian Dude, BART Boy, CC, dating
Posted at 12:42 am | Comments (2)