12th March, 2008
This Is Where I Feel So Stupid
So something happens to SB and it’s bad. He’s physically fine, but I figured that he would need a comforting friend. As soon as I heard the news, I dash out with all of my things, etc. I try to catch a bus on the way there, but I miss them all so I end up power walking to his place which takes me almost twenty minutes, but I make a pit stop at the diner to get his favorite dessert drink as a pick-me-up. We both go upstairs to his room to eat some pizzas and watch his wrestling show, as much as I dislike watching pro wrestling.
I’m there for about twenty minutes or so until he gets a phone call. He doesn’t tell me who it is, but says that he’s going to go downstairs for a bit. At first, I thought it was someone else, but when I realized that he didn’t want to tell me for a reason, I knew that it was her downstairs. With her downstairs, that meant that he had told her about the news as well, hoping that she would pay attention to him again, which means that he still wants her.
Now, I know that I can’t have him, but I just didn’t want her around. There’s too much attached to her and to realize that she was just downstairs, to realize that I lose anyway when I’m trying my best, it sucks and it makes me feel so utterly stupid. I didn’t need to go over there; he obviously had someone else or was going to have someone else come and comfort him.
What the hell am I doing? Why am I putting so much effort into things that doesn’t matter anymore? I didn’t need to rush over; I didn’t need to try and be a good friend. Shit, I could have stayed at home and worked on my essay in peace. I could have spent my Friday night in peace. But no. I didn’t.
Why do I make the stupidest choices? Why do I make the choices that end up hurting me the most? I’m so angry and so frustrated at myself and I don’t know where to take it all out.
I haven’t made any prayers for the last two days of Lent and I don’t think I feel like making one tonight.
Tags: Bitch #1, SB
Posted at 9:56 pm | Comment (1)
12th March, 2008
This Is The Strange Feeling
So, about a week ago, I decided to talk to KM. We hadn’t spoken to each other for two months because the last time he called me, he called me while he was exercising and I found that particularly rude. I suppose that my behavior made me seem a bit standoffish, so he didn’t feel that warm fuzzy feeling with me. He told me during that call that he would call me the day after and let me know if he could come up over the weekend. Except, he didn’t call and he never let me know what was going to go on that weekend, so I took it as a sign of… apathy? Well, to simply put it, I thought that if he really wanted to date me, he would have made some effort, right?
Anyway, so for two months, we didn’t talk. He thought I was angry at him and I was just… trying to not care I suppose. As I’m transferring my numbers to my new phone, I had a small debate with myself about whether or not I should have transferred his too. Well, I did and shortly after that I sent him a text message to say, “Hi.”
With that, it led to our setting up a date on Friday night (the previous Friday). I drove myself down to see him, dressed in an awesome red dress, and had dinner with him. I’ll admit that I was hoping for a little action, but when he didn’t deliver, I was confused, disappointed, and upset. I had the whole weekend to think it over and my first reaction to that was “If he’s not going to do something, then I’m out. I’ve put enough effort into trying to give this a chance and he’s just not stepping up.” But after talking about it with my doctor, he said that my actions may have been a bit confusing to KM.
First, KM spills his guts to me on New Years and that may have made things awkward… on his part anyway. Then he bails on me for our date the following Friday and again the following weekend, so of course, that makes me a little angry. We don’t talk for two months then out of the blue, I come out and act as if nothing of that sort happened. Well, the parts that made me upset anyway.
To tell you the truth, I found it so sweet to know that he had been wanting me for so long. I thought that he and I were just going to be friends and this whole time, he’s wanted something more. I know that in a way, he’s offering what SB couldn’t offer me and maybe that’s why I’m a bit more attracted, but it’s so incredibly sweet. Sure, I found out about it in a not-so-sweet way, but just the idea that someone could want me, you know? And also knowing that SB doesn’t want me, well, I suppose that helps KM.
These last few days, I’ve been trying to get KM to talk to me, to try and figure out what we can do. I know, I’m putting a lot of pressure and a lot of expectations on this already and maybe that’s not what we need, but I can’t help it, you know? It’s been six months since SB split and I just can’t get past that hump. And I know that in some aspects, it’s wrong to try and use KM like that, but I just honestly want to forget about SB and what we had. I need to find something new; I can’t be alone like this. I need someone to go in there and fix what’s broken, or at least help to fix it and I just really wanted and thought that KM could do that. Maybe that’s why I’ve been trying so hard the last few days.
It’s just all so… frustrating! Nothing in my life has been stable and KM’s feelings for me, they are, or they were I suppose. I’ve been making the wrong decisions lately and I just want it to stop. I don’t know what to do again and this sucks balls.
Tags: KM
Posted at 12:32 am | Comment (1)