For some reason, today felt rather long. I got up around 9:30 or so, but my errands and my waiting around for things took quite some time.

I should probably mention that I am currently at my parents’ place right now, shouldn’t I? Well, I asked my mother to borrow her car this morning in order to run a few errands. On my list were: fix my phone, go to Bed Bath and Beyond, get a hair cut, get some good coffee, and buy shoes for the wedding. All but the last took about two and half hours. Then it was about another half hour or so at the shoe store, but in between that, I thought that I’d stop by and see my good friend, C, at his work place. I ended up waiting for him because when I arrived, he was currently on his lunch break. Go figure, right?

After shoe shopping, I thought that I would go to KM’s work place just to see what was going on. I hadn’t been able to see him or talk to him in the last few weeks about what we were going to do, so I figured that I would surprise him at work. We got to talking a little bit and he revealed that the timing was just not right. He has a lot going on for him right now and he’s just not ready to be in that kind of a position. I completely understand that and I just wish that he could have been able to tell me this sooner, you know?

We may or may not be able to see each other tomorrow, but I hope that we do. I know now that I shouldn’t take myself off the market just for him, but I will leave that door open for him whenever he is ready and I am available to do that with him.

I don’t know what came over me, but as I was waiting for him to finish with a client, I could feel everything in my body so much more. My heart was beating so hard, I thought it was going to fly out. Now, I know that sounded a bit cheesy and also a bit serious, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to feel this jittery about someone, you know?

But sadly, this jittery feeling will not remain. It must go and I will someday find it again.

Speaking of love, I just finished reading a book, The Alchemist. There are a few good quotes in there and I’d like to share one or two with you:

“I’m going away,” he said. “And I want you to know that I’m coming back. I love you because…”

“Don’t say anything,” Fatima interrupted. “One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.”

It’s a real good book and definitely offers a lot of insight to the different things of the world. It helped put some things into perspective for me and I think that I’ve finally accepted the past and the present.

Maktub (arabic) - It is written.

A part of me is sad that I’m leaving the store. This is the closest I’ve ever been to having consistent female companionship in a long time and I know that if I quit, I won’t get that bonding experience anymore.

Last night, two of my coworkers, SK and LD, and I went out to a club. I hadn’t gone to a club in a long time, but this time it was fun. I dressed attractively and was impressed by the number of men wanting to dance with me. No, my boobs weren’t hanging out. However, I did have a backless shirt, so I’m pretty sure that’s what contributed to my attractiveness. Almost all of the men who danced with me were not my type, except the last one. In a way, he reminds me of a friend that I have here at Cal, NL. Now, I’m not attracted to NL in that way, but he is a good friend of mine and he’s also a good guy, so seeing this one at the club, in a way, it made me feel a little safer. It’s a weird feeling. Anyway, I only gave one person my number last night and it was him.

Other than that, most of my days have been relatively quiet. I go to work, get some shit done, and go home. My coworkers and I went grocery shopping a few days ago, which was nice. I was going to decline, but I thought that I would use that time to have some bonding done, you know? Like I mentioned before, I’m not usually this close to other women, so this is nice for me.

As for KM, well, it’s been quite a trip. Kind of. Okay, not really. It’s more me trying to get something set up than him doing something, but like I said, I don’t know what to do here. I’m trying to get him to just talk to me, to figure all this shit out, but nothing’s happening. He’s supposed to come up for dinner on Friday night, but I’m not too confident that he’ll actually show. I really need everything sorted out, but if it doesn’t, then should I wait? I don’t know; it’s a tough choice. I don’t want to put myself on hold for too long, you know? It’s like the dresses we put on hold at the store. We tell them they have a day and after that, someone else gets a shot at the dress. I know I’m not a dress, but should I treat myself the same way? Give someone a certain time frame and if there’s no response, put myself back on the floor? But what if I want to wait longer for someone? Or should I just keep that person in mind and continue to be available? I don’t know really.

There was something that FL mentioned earlier this week. He said that he noticed quite a few similarities between SB and my father. Now, I don’t see that as an abnormal thing; I always figured that most women try to look for men that resemble their fathers, either in a good or bad way. So it’s normal that I did that, yes? I don’t know. It’s a new piece of information, but there are still no instructions on how to handle this information.

I hope I sound like a whore or something. I mentioned three different men in this post, but you gotta know that one I just met, one is … complicated, and the other will never return, so really, it’s not as if I’m in three different relationships. I’m still single and free as a bird. Well, due to my tendencies, a caged bird, but a bird nonetheless.

Anyway, I’ve got some work to do, so until next time.

I think the hard feeling has hit. It’s one thing to be attracted to someone, but when you feel it move to that deeper place, then you know that you could be in trouble.

I could be in trouble.

I tried to call KM today, but he didn’t answer. I left a short message, but I just don’t get it! What’s going on with him? A part of me wants to go over and surprise him, except I wouldn’t get very far since all I know is the coffee shop right next to his place. He’d have to go for a coffee run in order to see me. Then again, that would be me, putting in more effort someplace that I’m not sure if it will be received well.

Damn it. I like him. And he didn’t have to do shit. What the hell.

I want him to call me back. Soon.