12th January, 2008
This Was The Recap
I know, I haven’t been around lately. I just… It’s been a very unproductive week for me. Other than Monday, I haven’t made any other attempts to find a job. I walked into the restaurant I wanted to work in yesterday, but the manager told me that he had already started training those with experience and that he’d give me a call sometime.
Both FL and I are confused at my actions. I fail to be able to get the work done when I need to get them done by. I keep finding excuses, distractions, so I don’t have to do my work. As we were discussing that, the subject of medication came up. He thinks that maybe, if I start on those, I might be able to start doing what I need to be doing. He also noticed that when I’m with him, I don’t seem depressed and as I’m telling the stories of my days outside the apartment, I don’t seem depressed there either. I tell him that’s because I’m so used to putting on a mask when I’m out there. I don’t want people to know or to see all of my sordid affairs on my face and there’s only been a very, very few times when I’ve cried in public, all of which were recent. When I’m alone, I get sad and sluggish as all hell, but when I’m out there, I feel like I need to leave whatever’s troubling me at home. The people I’m around don’t need to feel uncomfortable around me, so why do that to them?
What’s hard is that so many things remind me of him. I was watching Moulin Rouge and that made me think back to the night we tried to watch that. I put in a Bath and Body Works air freshener and because I haven’t used that scent since before I moved to this current apartment, that reminds me of when I used to live in the old apartment and when he used to come over all the time. I know I shouldn’t think of him, I shouldn’t dwell on what we used to have, but it’s not like I’m looking for them, the thoughts that is. They just come. I know, with time, they’ll go away, but God, I just miss him so much.
I know that he tells me he can be here in the way that I don’t want him to be, he can be my friend, but how can I do when I want so much more? How can I do that when I really can’t appreciate him as a friend? Maybe it has to do with the fact that she’s still there. Maybe, if she wasn’t, maybe he if he didn’t want her anymore, I’d be okay. I don’t know. I just miss him so much. Normally, when I fall asleep next to a guy, I’m always faced away from him. But with SB, I could so easily fall asleep facing him; it was so comfortable, it was so right. I know, I know, I’m dwelling again.
I just… I need to be okay again. I do. I know that I can be, but I just hate all this waiting.
Well, the good thing out of this week is that I finally got my Sex and the City DVD box set exchanged. The first set had a duplicate and missing disc and for the longest time, none of the stores in the area had them in stock. I finally found one store, not the closest, but I was able to get there by walking and BART, so it was a relatively fair and safe trade to make.
I’m thinking about taking a sabbatical to Yosemite for a few days, during the weekdays so it’s not so crowded and so I get a hotel discount. I know, it won’t be a cheap sabbatical (lodging will cost $$ since I don’t know how to camp by myself and the car is $65/day), but I feel like I just need to get away for awhile. To really be alone, to be away from everything. No phones, no TV, no cell. Just me, a few books, and the nature. What really helped further this decision or desire is my ability now to be able to rent a car. I know that through the school, I can rent if I’m under 21, but with those programs, they needed me to have insurance. I just checked again and noticed that the whole insurance bit has been scrapped, so that makes me happy and yes, I did apply for membership.
Anyway, I have to try and get some work done or else it’s all shot to hell.
Tags: doctor, SB
Posted at 11:46 pm | Comments (2)