28th November, 2007
This Was The Meltdown
Basically, the shock of what I had done, the damage I had caused didn’t hit me until yesterday. Then… I kind of went into a daze. I cried a lot, I called his roommate, MC, which is also my friend, and I cried some more. The next thing I knew, I was grabbing my vitamin bottles and just taking out as many as I could. Fortunately (or unfortunately), if you take too many vitamins, most of them are harmless because you eventually pee them out. I wasn’t aware of that. After I had gone through the second round of pills, I called Poison Control. They said that one of the vitamins I took may cause some damage, so I should take myself to the emergency room.
After that phone call, I showered and grabbed a few things: my books, my makeup, my brush. I knew that I was going to be gone for a while, but I didn’t know for how long exactly. The paramedics came within two minutes of my calling, which was pretty fast. I remember one of them, I forget the name, he was judging me when I told him the story. He asked if I had been using anti-depressants, and I told him no. He said, “Well, you should have been.” Although I understand that he didn’t want to see someone like me, someone who was young enough to be his daughter in the position that I was in, but still. He didn’t have to say that, you know?
I was admitted into the hospital where they put me on one IV bag. I stayed there for about seven hours. I tried to sleep some of them off, but it was very uncomfortable. They didn’t give me anything else but food and I didn’t feel funny anywhere else. Thinking back on it, I should have just stayed home. If I knew that I was going to be okay, I would have stayed home and slept it all off. They finally got me transferred over to the psych ward about two miles away from where I had been admitted. I had really been hoping to leave that night, but by the time I arrived, it was too late for anyone to see me and for anyone to discharge me.
Luckily, I was able to keep my cell phone. I wasn’t allowed to, but since they didn’t check my pockets, I held onto that. I made a phone call to MC to let her know what was going on. I knew that there was the possibility that she would have told SB, but I knew that I did not want to be the messenger for that news. I told her that if she felt that he should know, then it was her decision to tell him. I also let two other people know where I was at, MH and JL. I told JL first because I knew that she would be concerned, but she wouldn’t have tried to get in contact with SB nor would she come visit me (she lives too far away). MH found out because he sent a text and asked if I was alright to which I replied, “No.” and told him the story.
I know, I shouldn’t have done what I had done, or even thought about doing what I did, but I… just let the impulse win. I know that I have so much to live for. I’m only twenty, I have a few great friends, I have a good family, what else can I ask for?
How could I have allowed for one person to get under my skin like that? I knew that what he had done to me was bad; he had betrayed me after I had specifically asked him not to. How do you deal with that? I just eventually realized that he was being selfish, much more than I was being. He wanted to be able to have both me and the girl, but he should have known better. He’s the one with his head on right, he should have known that I could not, I just could not handle her so soon after our relationship had fallen apart. He should have known that, spared me the stress, the pain, the upset. If he cared, he would have realized that. If I was selfish enough, I would have asked for what I could not ask for; I would have asked him to choose, given him that ultimatum. It was either her or me. But he didn’t choose and I had chosen for him a little too late.
Being in the psych ward was depressing. I felt so useless, so idle, like I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t go back into the world and fix what I had done. Maybe not with him, but I wanted to get back on my feet again. I didn’t want to stay with the people I could never see myself next to. I couldn’t sleep well either. I kept waking up every hour or so and I kept thinking that it was morning already, but it wasn’t. They woke me up around 6:45am to do a thyroid test? I don’t even know why they had to do it so early; I just wanted to sleep.
Up until about 1:00pm, I had just been waiting to get released back into the world again. I looked outside the window and saw such a beautiful day, then got sad knowing that I had to be stuck inside. Eventually my doctor gave me the okay to go and for the first hour I was out, I was ecstatic. I was so relieved that they had let me out so early instead of holding me for another two days. I was so happy to be out again.
I ended up going to work because I had already missed two days of it. About two hours into my job, I noticed that my happiness had worn off and that I was starting to get down again, something that usually never happens at work, so I decided to leave. Now, I do feel down, but not down enough to do something that stupid. If anything, I’ll take the more surefire way of “getting out” by doing the more toxic stuff, but at this point, I’ve already agreed to so many people that I would not be back in that situation, so… I can’t. I just feel like there’s all this emotion, all this sadness in me that needs to be let out, except I don’t know who’s the right person to do that, how to do it and for how long. I just… I need to let it out and I can’t because I don’t know how to.
Oh, they’re going to put me on pills. I know it. Despite all my fears… do I really have a choice at this point?
This wasn’t supposed to be me, I wasn’t supposed to end up like this, I wasn’t supposed to be where I am now, but I am. God, I can just see the look and despair on my parents’ faces now if they ever find out I was this bad. I don’t really know where to go from here now. I know I can’t die, but I don’t really feel like living either.
Posted at 4:56 pm | Comments (2)
On November 29, 2007 at 8:46 am Julie said:
November 29, 2007 at 8:46 am
That was quite rude of the paramedic. They’re there to help you and take you to be taken care of, not to be judgmental and snappy. It’s good that you went in because you never know, poison control could be right about one of the supplements having the potential for being dangerous. I’m just glad you grabbed the vitamins and not something stronger. You might need to hide your pain killers and cleaning supplies if you think this impulse might win again. I’m glad your friends have made you promise not to do this again, because really, it’s just too much for people to handle. It would be different if no one cared about you and no one noticed, but you know for a fact that a bajillion people would notice and miss you and be really torn apart about it. So you owe it to those who love you to hang in there and be strong. You’re still seeing one of the doctors right? (I forget which “F” you chose) Talk to the doc, pour it all out, he/she should help you figure out how to express what you’re feeling in a non-destructive sort of way. Do you think the psych ward will tell your parents? Because that would really devastate them, but even more so if they hear it from the doctor than from you. I don’t think the pills are so bad, if they help, you know? Better take good pills to calm your pain and get you to feeling and getting better than to let you hurt and consider crazy things again. Like you said, this isn’t you, this isn’t supposed to be you. You know that you’re stronger than this and I think this near miss is a good wake up call that you really don’t want to do this and you want to get better. Ok this is long enough, you know what I am saying
*HUGGLES and LOTS OF LOVE*
On December 3, 2007 at 11:01 pm Maria said:
December 3, 2007 at 11:01 pm
I guess I’m glad they were just vitamins too.
No need to hide them. I think that if I was really trying to hurt myself, I would have gone for those. I knew that I could have, but I didn’t.
I’m sorry I scared you.
I know I can be stronger. Yes, it was kind of a wake-up call.