30th November, 2007
This Was A Good Ten Hours
I actually woke up when my alarm told me to today. Well, with the exception of Black Friday, that is. I woke up with an alarm today in order to take care of my school status.
I am now officially withdrawn from the semester. I have also decided to take at least, and this is just the minimum, a semester off. My sister suggests a year, but I want to see how much I’ve progressed by then as a person and in life.
Now my biggest challenge, and I have asked my sister to somewhat inconvenience herself for me, is to tell my parents and hope that I will help them understand what is going on. Things aren’t right with me right now and a big reason as to why I fell was due to my inability to handle my romantic emotions for another.
I’m afraid of their responses, their reactions. I know and still remember how my father acted the last time. He was so angry, so frustrated, he kept most of it to himself to the point where if he broke, he became violent and through things around the house. He did house work, chores, anything to help keep him calm. Now ideally, after my talk with them, they won’t react the same way, but I honestly have no clue what will happen. My sister will be there with me and I hope she will help.
I also plan to write down all that I need to say. I also need to think of ways to help them help me. They will feel lost if I don’t help them through this. We are a family and I highly doubt that they will drop me. It’s going to be scary for me, but I really do need to do what I think is right.
FL commended me on that today. He said for a person in my state to try and do something like this, to make a change, to make a decision that I’m thinking through on is tough for many. That may be true, but I have yet to really feel the benefit from that. I’m doing what I think needs to be done and I have the support from my family and friends to do so.
I just hope that I will have the support of my parents as well. If I have to live on my own, I don’t know what I’d do. I mean, I would find a way to survive and all that good stuff, but I really don’t know what I would do without them. I need them there, they’re my parents and not just in the financial sense.
I’m just going home for a weekend and in that weekend, I don’t know what will happen. I know I have to return to Berkeley for my sessions with FL and then since he’s taking two weeks off, I’ll have to as well, but then come back the beginning of January.
On top of that, I also need to find another part-time job. I want to stay at The Daily Cal still. It’s a good place for me to be.
Why was there ten good hours? Because during those hours, I did not feel sad. Even if I had tried to, I couldn’t do it. That doesn’t mean I was necessarily happy, but I wasn’t sad and that was a first for me, at least in a long time. But unfortunately, now I am back to feeling sad. It’s not by much, but enough I suppose to ruin my mood.
Posted at 6:57 pm |
On December 1, 2007 at 1:07 pm Julie said:
December 1, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Good job withdrawing, that will really help you. Some time off to focus on getting better will really help. I really doubt your parents would turn their backs on you. I mean it’s not like you did something extremely horrible, you’re just really hurting and need their support.
On December 3, 2007 at 11:10 pm Maria said:
December 3, 2007 at 11:10 pm
I hope that they won’t reject me, but I remember how bad they took it last time, so I’m really afraid still.