30th November, 2007
This Is A Little Relieving
Well, I was planning to start this particular post off differently, but I was interrupted along the way.
So I tried to do a little digging about the last comment I received and it turns out to be from the boyfriend of the ex-bff I had. The odd thing was just as soon as I had figured it out, she called. I know that I had posted some nasty stuff here and there about her that I think in a way, I did mean, but like what I had done to SB just a few days earlier, the things I said probably shouldn’t have come out so harsh.
But like I said, words are my weapons.
She and I talked on the phone for a bit. I didn’t really know what to say exactly since she had been kind of catching up on my posts here which pretty much explains to just about everybody what’s been going on. I haven’t really been hiding stuff here for any particular reason. It was odd being on the phone with her considering the fact that 1) if you had asked me how I felt about her before she called, I would have told you how bitter I may have still been and 2) she and I hadn’t talked on the phone for about a year.
Before all that, I kind of had another, but smaller, meltdown. I realized that again, I am at a point in my semester where catching up is not an option. Well, it may be, I don’t know yet. I’m going to go talk to an adviser tomorrow and see what exactly my options are. Ideally, I would withdraw, again, from this semester and take time off. I would stay in Berkeley, continue my job at The Daily Cal, and find another part time job, possibly in the field that I would want to go into.
I just really have to stop doing what my parents want me to do. I know that they love me and they’re looking out for me, but it’s time I help them understand that I can’t do it all right away. I’m not like other people and even though we’re all flowers, each rose is different in its own special way. I need my own way, I need things in my own time. It’s not because I’m lazy or because I’m worthless, I know that I’m not. I know that given the right motivation, given the right determination, I can get what I want done. It’s just that right now, I can’t handle this. Right now, I need to just stop all of this stress.
I did talk to FL about the idea of being on medication and he believes that what I’m going through isn’t necessarily a physiological problem. They’re just emotions and mostly stemming from the fact that I’m holding on to something that was long gone. I don’t know. I see his point but at the same time, I’m so unsure of myself as well. Either way, even if I were to be put on medication, it wouldn’t really take effect until a few weeks later anyway and by then, who knows what could happen?
Hopefully, I will get to do what I want to do. That’s withdraw from this semester, take at least one semester off while still living in Berkeley working as the Finance manager still and possibly finding another job. I know that I can’t go home. If I go home, that will definitely cause more stress for me. Also, I want to continue to see FL. I know there are other psychiatrists around, but I’ve already started with him and when I start school again, I’m going to want to continue seeing him, so why have that gap, right?
But I will find out tomorrow if I can withdraw from the semester and still be able to come back to Berkeley when I am ready.
This has just been an odd night.
Why do I say relieving? Well, when I had first started this post, I felt relieved at the idea that I could possibly be free from school and finally be free to do what I want to do and this time, be more able to explain to my parents, be able to stand up to them and really help them understand that this is what I need to do.
But this will take time. I talked to the general manager at The Daily Cal today to let her know what was going on and she suggested that whatever it is I need to say to my parents, right them down so I don’t forget and so I can easily say and explain it later. Also, if I could right down the different ways that they could help me, it would be beneficial.
I should get started on that. Or sleep as my sister yelled at me to do.
Posted at 1:04 am |
On November 30, 2007 at 5:16 am Julie said:
November 30, 2007 at 5:16 am
I do hope you can withdraw from the semester and take the time off. Although leaving Berkeley might help clear your mind and help you avoid running into the people that hurt you, the stability of staying in the same town and seeing FL should help too. But you’re right, you do need to take the time off. You need to recoup, relax, and heal. Extra stress will only make it worse on you.
On December 3, 2007 at 11:09 pm Maria said:
December 3, 2007 at 11:09 pm
Yes, it would be good to leave Berkeley in order not to run into others, but at the same time, can I really allow him to run my life like that? Extra stress is definitely bad and in a time like this, I need to just heal and recharge.