26th December, 2007
This Is The Freeze Out
Yes, we are both acting like children. We both refuse to speak to each other and have not made any eye contact. Of course, it helps that I just lock myself up in this room, so it’s all good.
Yes, I have noticed my impeccably bad appetite and eating habits. Yesterday, all I had was the lunch. Today, all I had were chili cheese fries from Weinerschnitzel with a caramel macchiatto. I’ve had some cough drops since and a lot of gum chewing, but that’s about all I’ve had in the last two days.
Yes, I finally went under 115 lbs today. I know that it all depends on when you weigh yourself, like if you weigh yourself after breakfast, when you wake, etc, but for the first time in a whole long while, I hit the goal weight. However, I know that it wasn’t achieved through healthy means. But right now, I’m still on my high horse. It’s okay though. Tomorrow, I’m supposed to be with people and those people and I will eat, I promise.
No, I’m not anorexic. Being anorexic would require me to be obsessive about my weight and that’s not who I am.
Yes, I may consider slipping out of my room after they’ve gone to bed to possibly grab a snack or something.
Tags: family, weight
Posted at 11:21 pm | Comments (2)
26th December, 2007
This Was A Bad Christmas
When I say that I’ve had better Christmas days, boy, do I really mean it.
Well, I woke up this morning a little earlier than planned, so I took my time getting ready. Showering, primping, etc. When I finally come out of my room, my mother is yelling at me because I didn’t help prepare for the lunch. I figured if she needed it, she would have sent for me. Anyway, so my relatives come over and eat lunch with us and all is merry. Good, right?
They leave and I retreat back to my room, listening to music and doing my normal web browsing. My mother comes in and tells me that they want to talk to me, so we go outside to the dining room. Well, their talk, and yes, it was mostly them talking, was basically saying that they still found no reason for me to stay up in Berkeley. It all came down to the ultimatum they gave me: One, if I went home, I would get use of my mother’s car, I would attend the community college taking whatever classes I wanted even if they were for fun, and I would be allowed to see FL once a week and they would drive me to the station. Two, if I didn’t go home, I would lose my insurance coverage and therefore, would not be able to afford seeing FL. At some point, it later became the “if you go to Berkeley, I’m going to stay up all night worrying about you. Do you want that?” “No, I don’t. But…” “Well, if you don’t want that, then the only other way is for me to treat you like a stranger so I’m not worrying anymore.”
What the hell is that? I thought that this whole thing had been settled last week! I thought that they really had given me the “okay” to stay in Berkeley! And now they turn around and pull this shit on me? I understand that as parents, they want to protect me and keep me from harm. They want to do what they can to help me and to them, going home is the best option they see fit. As nice as it is to have them comfort me and take care of me again, I know that if I try and do this myself, I will come out not only a stronger person but a more confident person as well. This whole thing is for me to get better and I feel that if I stay in Berkeley, that is the best method of doing so.
They tell me that they won’t be watching me and the only reason why they do is because they love me. I understand that and it may sound weird, but a reason why I don’t want to be at home is because they love me so much. Because they love me so much, they’ve become really protective and now it’s getting to the point where I really need to do this myself and that’s how I see myself being a much better person. I don’t know how else to explain it to them, but that’s why. I know they love me and I’m very glad that they love me this much, but at the same time, it’s just quite a bit for me to deal with right now. I’m not saying that I wish they would love me any less or anything, that’s not it at all. I’m just saying that because they love me this much, it’s very difficult for me to try and think for myself when they’re always around.
Anyway, I didn’t really make a decision after the talk and I had retreated to my room. At that point, I needed to leave. I felt that I could not make a well-informed decision inside the house and was going on a frantic search to find someone who would pick me up and drive me to the station. I was packing my things because I needed to be anywhere else but here in this house. However, my mother caught me before I had a chance to flee, she told my father, and the next thing I know, he’s coming in here a very upset and angry man. He’s yelling at me, not making anything else better and is pretty much threatening that I stay at home.
We were supposed to attend another family dinner and since they had already seen me for lunch, they knew I was in town and was able to attend dinner. My father forced me to go and, well, I went. I didn’t do much though. I came in, greeted my relatives, and sat in a room for two hours. My uncle came in at one point and said that although he didn’t know the whole story, he wanted to tell me that no matter what it is that’s going on, “It’s not the end of the world.” He didn’t say it in a condescending manner, so I really understood that. I also knew that since he didn’t know the whole story, he couldn’t really have said it in a condescending manner, so that made it better.
Anyway, so throughout the two hours I was there, I did nothing. I wrote in my little journal and sat in that room. No, I did not eat. Frankly, I had lost my appetite.
We went home after that and since then, I have not spoken to my father. My mother came in twice; the first time, I believe she wanted to talk, but I told her that I needed to be alone. The second time, she wanted my doctors’ phone numbers. Other than that, I have not really spoken to them. It’s been about seven and a half hours now since we left for the dinner and I still want to leave. I had the chance to leave with my friends to go snowboarding and although that seemed interesting, I declined. One, I didn’t feel right just leaving without really telling them anything and right now, I’m still on my high horse and don’t want to speak to them. Two, I know that it will be expensive since I have to rent a lot of stuff and since my finances are a little tight right now, I don’t think that would be a wise decision to make.
Anyway, now I am sitting here in my parents’ home. I still want to go back home because this is not a happy place. I mean, how do they expect me to stay here? It’s only been three days since I’ve been back and already I want to leave. Maybe I’m running away from this all, maybe I’m not, but this is just not helping at all, not one bit.
Tags: Christmas, family, life
Posted at 1:26 am | Comments (4)