18th December, 2007
This Is The Choice
This is what I get for trying to multi-task while blogging. I had something that I really wanted to put out there in the previous blog, but obviously, I did not do that.
I went to lunch with my two old roommates, yes. However, what I failed to mention that prior to this lunch, I had planned on buying them small gifts, limiting myself to $10 or less. But I did not give them the gifts today and you will see why.
FL and I talked a bit yesterday about my need to help out. See, what he explained to me was that my need to help out is my need to validate my worth. I feel that if I don’t make myself extra available for friends or be very generous, then I won’t be worthy of their friendship. For example, I enjoy gift giving. My gift giving helps me feel that I have shown this person who is receiving my gift that I am a great person. I do that because I do not feel confident about myself. I shouldn’t have to give gifts to people just to make sure that they see me as a wonderful and caring person. They should already know that and I should know that they know that. Right now, it makes sense in my head; I’m not sure how it’s coming out here.
So the example now is the Christmas gifts I had bought for my two freshman-year roommates. I didn’t give the gifts to them because I realized that without them, they would still know that I am a good person. I would know that they would know that I am a good person. They don’t need the gifts to realize that aspect of me. I must say, that is one big step.
I took it one step further today by deciding not to give a gift to SS. I feel that my giving her a gift would not change her perception of me and to be honest, it was quite a shiny penny of a gift. Sure, I spent a shiny penny too for MK, but I feel like she and I can connect a little more since she’s around more often and she totally understands and shares my views on this apartment. Also, she told me earlier while we were discussing the whole “Should I give a gift to SS?” that I should only give a gift to someone that I truly appreciate and to be honest, SS isn’t extremely high on my list. I know that she’s not the worst roommate around, but seriously… I could have asked for better. She makes the passive-aggressive side of me come out in notes and I hate that I just can’t confront her.
Anyway, so that is one spot on the mirror that FL and I have cleared and today, I took the first step into trying to change myself for the better and that calls for a nice cup of hot cocoa and mini marshmallows.
Posted at 10:41 pm | Comments (2)
18th December, 2007
This Is The Food Day
I mentioned in the last post that I felt a bit of sadness from the news. After having a talk with FL, I think that why I felt sad was because I had the illusion that my parents had this big, huge image, that they were these large authoritative figures. Hearing them allow me to do this, to know that they knew they couldn’t do anymore to help me, made them seem a lot smaller. Their image of being the protector, being the authority, being the all-so-ever powerful beings shattered.
Just when I was getting used to the idea of their decision, I read an email from my father and he ends it with, “We came to the decision to let you do as you wish. However, I am sure that you will regret your decision later in the future.”
What the hell? Is that supposed to be the guilt trip? Is that supposed to make me feel better? No, it doesn’t! I was just about to really see them in a new light, a less angry light, a prettier light and then… they killed the plug. I was just ready to let all of my anger go with them and then he throws this at me as if I’m supposed to want to come home after this.
Well, right now, I don’t want to think about this anymore. What’s said has been said and maybe I will just stay away.
Yesterday, RN came up because he wanted to meet some potential roommates. However, the manager was not in and therefore, he couldn’t show the place. Luckily, he decided to stay and so we spent some time together. We ended up walking down one street, a street filled with cute, mostly locally owned stores. I found that walking two miles with a friend goes by a lot faster than normal. Or at least, it seems to be a little more interesting. We walked through almost every bookstore we came across, including the metaphysics bookstore. Okay, that was more for him than for me, but it was still an interesting store to walk into. After two miles of walking, we decided to head back. Okay, we turned around only because we noticed that the amount of cute stores stopped and ran into another Safeway. Afterwards, we had some Thai food at a restaurant as we walked all the way back to my apartment again.
Unfortunately, by the time we got back to my apartment, it was a bit late for him to go back on the BART and find a way back from there, so he crashed at my place. We ended up watching Corpse Bride before heading to bed. It was really nice to have a good friend spend time with me. I wouldn’t say that NN and MP aren’t good friends, but who says you can’t hang out with more than two? Anyway, RN and I had a good time together and I can’t wait until he moves up here.
As for today, well, it was kind of food day. Well, first, I had to go to the Career Center to go through my skills assessment test and it gave me a better idea of what I might be interested in, but still, nothing concrete just yet. After that, I met up with SW and AL, my two freshman-year dorm roommates, for a nice roommate lunch. We ate at a “cafe,” though I think it was more like a cross between American breakfast and Mexican foods. Since I like breakfast foods, I ordered myself some French toast. It was yummy.
I went home after that, but I bought food at Chipotle later on and, well, I’m still eating it. I’m watching my Gilmore Girls still as I try to work on a layout for work.
Anyways, I should go. Technically I started this particular post a while ago, but I was distracted by other things, so sorry if this blog is a little disconnected.
Posted at 9:01 pm | Comment (1)