16th December, 2007
This Is A Dilemma
I’ll try to explain all that went on during the two to three hours yesterday. It’s going to be long since there’s a lot to explain.
I told my father that I had withdrawn from the semester and that I wanted to take some time off of school in order to get my head straight. He didn’t and doesn’t quite understand that by taking a break, I mean no school. My mother argues that going to work will make it more stressful for me than going to school, but she doesn’t understand it either.
Also, my father believes that FL is not suitable for me because FL isn’t giving me advice, he’s not telling me what to do, and in the two months I’ve seen him, there isn’t “progress.” I tried explaining to my father that what FL does is different. FL doesn’t offer advice. FL puts me in front of a blurry mirror and through our sessions together, he will help me see myself a lot clearer in the mirror and if I’m wearing a hideous outfit, then I can change that. Once I see myself for what I am, I will be able to change what I don’t like about myself a lot better. Basically, FL is more geared towards a path of self-discovery than offering advice. He doesn’t feel as if that’s his job. Yes, I tried to explain that to him too and I’m not sure if my father understood that.
My father basically said, “You don’t need him. I’ll be your psychologist. Give me your problems, I’ll analyze them and give you the solutions.” He forced me to say what my problems were and I felt uncomfortable enough trying to do it. For example, I told him that the way I handle stressful situations is a problem. So he says, “Well then, just focus on something else. Focus on schoolwork, focus on work, anything else.” Although his solution might work, I feel that 1) it will take time for me to be able to focus on something and 2) if I try to focus on something else, I’m forgetting the main issue that lies dormant in me so until that is fixed, it’s going to cause me problems again in the future. For me, I feel as if whatever that is wrong with me now should be fixed so that it doesn’t affect me again later on. But I don’t think he understands that one either.
Then of course, there’s the issue of his wanting me to stay at home whereas I want to stay up in Berkeley. He says that I’ve given him no good reason as to why I belong up in Berkeley. My main reason for staying up there? That’s because I can’t stay here with my parents. I tried to tell him that he and my mother cause me a lot of stress because they put so much pressure on me, but he doesn’t see it. “What pressure?” Then I try to tell him that I want to stay up there for the freedom of not being under his watch all the time. “Well then, you’re just being goddamn selfish!” I don’t know what to do.
I talked to MH about this and he says that my father and I need a dialog. He and I need to try and speak to each other instead of at each other. Although I can try to understand the reasons for his wanting me at home, I can’t make him understand why I need to be there. What he sees are results, kind of like what I do. He sees that when I was at home for the fall quarter in 2006, I did well in school. When I was not at home and in Berkeley, I did not perform well. Therefore, his conclusion is that I can’t handle being alone. I understand that when you look at the results, that’s one interpretation for it, but I don’t know how else to help him see otherwise.
I tried to explain that the reason I did better when I was at home was because the school was much easier. The habits that I had at Berkeley were the same as the ones I had at home, it was just easier for me to get away with them at the community college. At Berkeley, they catch my habits and expose them for what they are, which is why I don’t perform as well as I should.
I just don’t know what to do. From an Asian culture standpoint, I should suck it up and move back home. From an American standpoint, I should fight for what’s mine and that is my life. The thing is, right now it’s hard to try and be both Asian and American since I can’t find a good enough compromise for the two of them.
I don’t know if I’ll have the guts to do what I feel is right. In my gut, I feel as if moving back home is definitely not what I need. At the same time, I also know that my parents are much older and are much wiser than I am, so maybe they’re seeing something that I’m not. As a teenager, I also thought that I knew what was best for me and whatnot, but I realized that I didn’t. I didn’t really know what was right for me and what wasn’t, so who’s to say that I don’t know it now?
I’m just torn between two people right now: my father and myself. Of course, my friends are divided on this subject as well. A bunch are telling me to do what I think is right and if that means staying in Berkeley, then I should stay. A bunch are telling me to suck it up and move back home, keep quiet, and don’t make anymore waves.
I hate forks in the road. I do.
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