10th December, 2007
This Was The Kind Of Better Flashback
So I’m watching my Gilmore Girls from season one since the Sex and the City set I bought has two discs of Disc 2 of Season 4 and I’m watching the episode were Max and Lorelai have their date in Stars Hollow during the snow storm. It’s lovely, snowy and looks like such a perfect date. Then I remember. SB and I had part of our second date in a town nearby my hometown. We went there because the city had the closest ColdStone ice cream shop from where we were. I remember the town because it where the store was located was kind of near a nice area. There was a huge green area in the middle and surrounded by it were cute little stores. There was a fountain that had three different fountains: one for the adult, one for the kid, and one for the dog. Cute, no? Well, watching Gilmore Girls and seeing this episode reminded me of that day because I had compared that small little area to Stars Hollow. I said that it was quaint and had a nice little charm to it and that I didn’t want to leave.
I received a fortune the other day after the dinner. It said, “You have remarkable power which you are not using.” The thing is, that’s pretty much true just about everyday of my life. I know I can do better, I know I can move on, I know I can let go, except I’m not ready yet or maybe I’m just not willing to. I know I have to let go, I know that he’s no longer here, but I just can’t help it.
You want to hear something stupid? Everyday when I walk back to my apartment, I keep looking behind me, thinking that maybe he likes to hide in the bushes and watch me come home, but not in the stalker kind of way. I keep looking, I keep thinking that one day, and maybe one day soon, he’ll realize that I was so much more, that I am so much more than this new person.
Why is it that your heart has to go for the one thing that’s toxic for you? You know, this entire week and part of last week, I’ve been able to get through my day. I’ve been able to get up in the morning. I’ve been able to put a better smile on my face. I only know it’s because of the whole “out of sight, out of mind” thing, but… he’s not really out of my mind. He’s not out of my heart and a part of me believes that he still has it.
The stupid thing is that although I know that I need this time to be by myself, I just keep hoping that someone is going to come and save me because I can’t save myself. I know that I have people around me, I know that they care, but it’s finals time and I can’t gather the courage to bother them like this. I know they need this time to study, I know they don’t need distractions, so I feel that if I try and go for them for help, I’ll just be a burden, or I’ll feel like it at least.
I want to be strong. I know I can be, except, maybe a part of me doesn’t want to. Maybe that part of me still wants me to suffer, to feel bad, to feel that I have to continue mourning the loss of this for as long as I can. I really don’t know why, but I just wish that it would stop. Or that I had a switch for all of this. It should be easy to get over him, especially now that he’s out of my life in the sense that I don’t talk or see him anymore, but like I said, he’s still not out of my mind and he’s not out of my heart. According to Charlotte, it’s supposed to take me about four months to get over him and it’s only been three and a half. Does that mean by the new year, I should be feeling better? Somehow, I doubt that.
Posted at 11:18 pm | Comments (8)
10th December, 2007
This Is When The World Hates Me
First, I receive a bill in the mail from the hospital for a ridiculous amount. It seems as if the insurance company didn’t really cover anything, so that puzzles me. As I’m trying to call the billing department, they don’t answer because they “may be in a meeting.” What the hell. How do they expect me to resolve this if they don’t pick up the phone?
As I’m calling my insurance company since the hospital won’t answer, the first time, the machine lady said they couldn’t transfer me. The second time, my phone hangs up automatically. The third time, I pushed some extra buttons and couldn’t get back to the main menu. I finally got through the fourth time only to tell me that they have no record of a claim on file, so that means I have to contact the hospital which won’t happen until later this afternoon.
Second, I have a web design project due today at 5 for The Daily Cal and it’s being a bitch to me. I stayed up until six this morning getting as much done as I could. It looks okay in Firefox and has some spacing issues in Internet Explorer. I believe that this picture explains exactly what I was doing.
I’m tired. I still have to pay the damned phone bill for SB since he didn’t do the switch until after the month had ended, so I have to wait for the last bill to show me the credit they’re giving me until I can finalize his tab. I already have the ballpark range which I gave him, so that will be close enough.
Well, on the plus side, I have a nice new Fossil wallet. That’s probably about the only plus I have for today at least. I have to leave to see FL in about half an hour and then I have to drop in for work for a few hours. After that, I’m hoping I’ll get to nap, but I figure that’ll be unlikely. I may or may not attend a friend’s party today, depending on if I can find someone to go with me.
Posted at 1:00 pm | Comments (2)