3rd December, 2007
This Is My Punishment
Some more deep stuff was revealed today in my session with FL. I am attracted to punishment in the way that I feel as if I need some physical pain in order to justify what I’ve done. It makes total sense.
Why did I go to the hospital? I felt as if what I had done to SB was so horrible that I need to hurt myself.
Why do I cut myself? I usually do it after I have done something wrong, such as become upset over the fact that he’s spending time with her or ruining his first day of blacksmithing school.
Why do I still wish for bad things to happen to me? I can’t punish myself and therefore wish for someone else to do it for me.
It just makes so much more sense now. Whenever I feel as if I’ve done something bad, I feel as if something bad should also happen to me, to make everything even, to make things justified. I know it’s a little twisted to think of it that way, but that’s what I’ve always felt.
There’s just so much exploring to do in my psyche. I’m kind of excited.
Yet I’m not excited about the Spice Girls tomorrow. How depressing is that? My ultimate childhood super group is coming tomorrow and I’m not even remotely excited. I actually kind of don’t want to go. If the tickets were cheap, I would probably blow it off, but because they’re not, I can’t. That and the fact that my two friends are going with me. One wants me drunk/buzzed, but I’m just going to fight her off.
Posted at 11:25 pm | Comments (4)
3rd December, 2007
This Is Going Down To One
I just lost a job.
See, I have two at The Daily Cal. I have a job as an assistant finance manager and another as an online developer. Well, considering the fact that our online team is kind of small and it’s a skill that most can’t quickly learn, they felt that I would be more suited to use my “talents” there, so they’re not allowing me to work in finance anymore.
The finance position was my security and now, I don’t have that anymore. I’m really upset by this and right now, too upset to explicitly explain how this makes me feel.
Posted at 7:22 pm | Comments (4)