Yes, it’s been quite a marathon for me with this whole Gilmore Girls thing. I have to post now because of my feelings from watching the episode. Rory and Lorelai break down and really cry because they both feel that everything is falling apart for them. Rory is the overachiever and is taking five classes at Yale because that’s what everybody else was doing, until she is told to drop a class because she will fail it if she continues to take on her five-class load. Lorelai is trying to open an inn and feels as if she’s running it all by herself since her partner, Sookie, has to take care of her baby and Lorelai is running out of money to keep the inn on track to open.

So both Rory and Lorelai feel as if they’re falling apart and I relate to this because, well, in a way, that’s what happened to me. Not the exact circumstances of course, but it hit me. Maybe it was more of the fact that they felt as if they were failing because man, I have got to tell you: I feel like I’m failing almost every other day, at least once a week. I know, it’s not good for my self-esteem, but that’s how I’ve been feeling for a long time. Once in a while, I’ll get a break and all will be good again, but then it will start back up and I will put myself in a dark place.

I’ve realized that a lot of my distress and despair is just all my own doing. I mean, if I could have handled things better, would I be here right now? If I hadn’t snooped into SB’s stuff, would I have found out about her and gotten upset like I did? If I had handled things better, would I have gotten upset about her to the point where I drove him into her? It’s a lot of “what if’s” and I know I shouldn’t dwell on the fact, but this is what I do, this is what I’ve done for as long as I can remember. I’ve never been fully comfortable with who I am and I am constantly bringing myself down, creating drama where there shouldn’t be.

Anyway, it’s late. I should be getting to bed.

… of Gilmore Girls. I am on the verge of tears. Why? I’m watching an episode in season 4 where Lane, Korean daughter of very strict Korean mother, sneaks out to go to a band gig, her first band gig ever. However, she didn’t leave a note or anything of that sort and left as soon as her mother fell asleep. Rory, best friend of Lane, calls her mother, Lorelai, best friend (and mother) of Rory, to tell her what Lane had done and Lorelai says that what Lane did was not a good thing to do and as a fellow mother, she needed to give Lane’s mother a call.

When Lorelai calls, she tells Mrs. Kim, Lane’s mother, that Lane is not there, but is safe with Rory at Yale. The scene shoots to Mrs. Kim and behind her, you see all of her house lights on with some Korean people in the background praying and holding a candle as well as firemen in the house. Mrs. Kim was so worried about Lane that she completely freaked out and called everyone she could. You could see tears in her eyes because she was so upset by the entire thing.

So why am I crying? Well, one, crying is contagious for me. Two, I just felt all the love that Mrs. Kim had for Lane. She was so worried, so concerned by Lane’s disappearance that she called everyone she could think of. I mean, I think that when a parent is that stressed out about a kid, you know that s/he really loves the kid, you know?

Anyway, back to the episode.

So I am staying until next week as planned. Good, no?

Yesterday, RN invited me to go to a party with him and his friends at a hotel. I knew that if I had someone pick me up, I would have inconvenience that person later on when I would want to leave because I knew that I was not going to stay over. My only other option would be to ask my parents for the car and after much consideration, I asked them.

I was surprised to find that my father had allowed me to take the car so easily, so I took my sister’s advice and I told him my plan. I told him that I was going to head back and if in a month I had not found a job again, I would consider going back home. I told him that I had already spoken to a woman who’s going to help me find a job and that for the summer, I would consider taking a class or two. He knows that since I will not be attending the Spring semester I will not get financial aid over the summer and he says he will be willing to pay for that all. It is quite expensive to take a summer course since every unit is at least $200. I told him that I may or may not feel confident enough to take classes, but at least I said that instead of promising to take classes, right?

Anyway, when I was talking to him, he wasn’t angry. He had on a concerned look, but that is quite understandable. Since then, I have felt much more at ease here knowing that there isn’t any awkward tension between us. Or at least I think there isn’t any.

The party was rather mellow. It wasn’t large; probably about eight people or so when I was there. They had a hookah and participated in that for a while. I met some rather interesting people. There was a guy, M, who was trying to do something with magic. I don’t want to try explain it all, but it had to do with gathering five trump cards from a tarot card set. We did a lot of lounging around and just talking. I finally had to go and drove RN home before heading home myself. I don’t know if it got crazier after I left since they didn’t buy the alcohol until then, but it was still a nice party to go to.

As for today, I’ve just been at home holed up in my room watching Gilmore Girls and listening to new music. There’s a bunch going on in my head (and sadly, my heart), but for now, I just want to try and erase it all and pretend that I’ve forgotten.