30th November, 2007
This Is A Little Relieving
Well, I was planning to start this particular post off differently, but I was interrupted along the way.
So I tried to do a little digging about the last comment I received and it turns out to be from the boyfriend of the ex-bff I had. The odd thing was just as soon as I had figured it out, she called. I know that I had posted some nasty stuff here and there about her that I think in a way, I did mean, but like what I had done to SB just a few days earlier, the things I said probably shouldn’t have come out so harsh.
But like I said, words are my weapons.
She and I talked on the phone for a bit. I didn’t really know what to say exactly since she had been kind of catching up on my posts here which pretty much explains to just about everybody what’s been going on. I haven’t really been hiding stuff here for any particular reason. It was odd being on the phone with her considering the fact that 1) if you had asked me how I felt about her before she called, I would have told you how bitter I may have still been and 2) she and I hadn’t talked on the phone for about a year.
Before all that, I kind of had another, but smaller, meltdown. I realized that again, I am at a point in my semester where catching up is not an option. Well, it may be, I don’t know yet. I’m going to go talk to an adviser tomorrow and see what exactly my options are. Ideally, I would withdraw, again, from this semester and take time off. I would stay in Berkeley, continue my job at The Daily Cal, and find another part time job, possibly in the field that I would want to go into.
I just really have to stop doing what my parents want me to do. I know that they love me and they’re looking out for me, but it’s time I help them understand that I can’t do it all right away. I’m not like other people and even though we’re all flowers, each rose is different in its own special way. I need my own way, I need things in my own time. It’s not because I’m lazy or because I’m worthless, I know that I’m not. I know that given the right motivation, given the right determination, I can get what I want done. It’s just that right now, I can’t handle this. Right now, I need to just stop all of this stress.
I did talk to FL about the idea of being on medication and he believes that what I’m going through isn’t necessarily a physiological problem. They’re just emotions and mostly stemming from the fact that I’m holding on to something that was long gone. I don’t know. I see his point but at the same time, I’m so unsure of myself as well. Either way, even if I were to be put on medication, it wouldn’t really take effect until a few weeks later anyway and by then, who knows what could happen?
Hopefully, I will get to do what I want to do. That’s withdraw from this semester, take at least one semester off while still living in Berkeley working as the Finance manager still and possibly finding another job. I know that I can’t go home. If I go home, that will definitely cause more stress for me. Also, I want to continue to see FL. I know there are other psychiatrists around, but I’ve already started with him and when I start school again, I’m going to want to continue seeing him, so why have that gap, right?
But I will find out tomorrow if I can withdraw from the semester and still be able to come back to Berkeley when I am ready.
This has just been an odd night.
Why do I say relieving? Well, when I had first started this post, I felt relieved at the idea that I could possibly be free from school and finally be free to do what I want to do and this time, be more able to explain to my parents, be able to stand up to them and really help them understand that this is what I need to do.
But this will take time. I talked to the general manager at The Daily Cal today to let her know what was going on and she suggested that whatever it is I need to say to my parents, right them down so I don’t forget and so I can easily say and explain it later. Also, if I could right down the different ways that they could help me, it would be beneficial.
I should get started on that. Or sleep as my sister yelled at me to do.
Posted at 1:04 am | Comments (2)
29th November, 2007
This Is So Lame
Seriously, how hard can it be to pick up a package at the post office? Well, difficult. One, the post office is located right across the street from where the girl works. Two, the post office is located in the area in which SB lives and works. So… what do I do? Kindly ask the roommate to pick up my package.
I just feel so… helpless, so … lame. FL says the reason why I’m doing all of this, acting like this is because I haven’t let go yet. I haven’t let go of our relationship, I haven’t let go of him. I know that I should, I know that I have to… I just don’t know how to.
Just walking out there today, I wanted to break down. I read a flyer about the crime rate in my neighborhood. Apparently, there is a group of people who are committing burglaries and whatnot. There has been one serious injury, one attempted rape, and one rape. You know what the morbid thing was? I wished that I would be their next target. I know, not an improvement from yesterday, but I still view it in a little bit of a different light. I mean, I’m not actually doing anything to hurt myself, I’m just wishing it upon myself. I know, just as bad.
My sister says that a problem with me is that with each boyfriend, I latch on and I latch on tightly. That may have been the case, but no one had ever gotten under my skin like he did. No one did what he did to me.
But I have to let go now. I have lost. He chose her. It was never going to be fair on either side. It wouldn’t be fair to him for me to ask her to leave and it wasn’t fair to me for her to stay.
My sister was right. I should have just left.
I have to let go and never come back. I have to let go. Let go Maria. Let go.
Posted at 8:02 pm | Comments (4)