28th November, 2007
This Is The Thanks
A big thank you to JL. She grabbed the support of some people that care about me in hopes of cheering me up and well, it did. I was very touched by her action and I am very thankful to have her as a friend.
Posted at 6:25 pm | Comments (2)
28th November, 2007
This Was The Meltdown
Basically, the shock of what I had done, the damage I had caused didn’t hit me until yesterday. Then… I kind of went into a daze. I cried a lot, I called his roommate, MC, which is also my friend, and I cried some more. The next thing I knew, I was grabbing my vitamin bottles and just taking out as many as I could. Fortunately (or unfortunately), if you take too many vitamins, most of them are harmless because you eventually pee them out. I wasn’t aware of that. After I had gone through the second round of pills, I called Poison Control. They said that one of the vitamins I took may cause some damage, so I should take myself to the emergency room.
After that phone call, I showered and grabbed a few things: my books, my makeup, my brush. I knew that I was going to be gone for a while, but I didn’t know for how long exactly. The paramedics came within two minutes of my calling, which was pretty fast. I remember one of them, I forget the name, he was judging me when I told him the story. He asked if I had been using anti-depressants, and I told him no. He said, “Well, you should have been.” Although I understand that he didn’t want to see someone like me, someone who was young enough to be his daughter in the position that I was in, but still. He didn’t have to say that, you know?
I was admitted into the hospital where they put me on one IV bag. I stayed there for about seven hours. I tried to sleep some of them off, but it was very uncomfortable. They didn’t give me anything else but food and I didn’t feel funny anywhere else. Thinking back on it, I should have just stayed home. If I knew that I was going to be okay, I would have stayed home and slept it all off. They finally got me transferred over to the psych ward about two miles away from where I had been admitted. I had really been hoping to leave that night, but by the time I arrived, it was too late for anyone to see me and for anyone to discharge me.
Luckily, I was able to keep my cell phone. I wasn’t allowed to, but since they didn’t check my pockets, I held onto that. I made a phone call to MC to let her know what was going on. I knew that there was the possibility that she would have told SB, but I knew that I did not want to be the messenger for that news. I told her that if she felt that he should know, then it was her decision to tell him. I also let two other people know where I was at, MH and JL. I told JL first because I knew that she would be concerned, but she wouldn’t have tried to get in contact with SB nor would she come visit me (she lives too far away). MH found out because he sent a text and asked if I was alright to which I replied, “No.” and told him the story.
I know, I shouldn’t have done what I had done, or even thought about doing what I did, but I… just let the impulse win. I know that I have so much to live for. I’m only twenty, I have a few great friends, I have a good family, what else can I ask for?
How could I have allowed for one person to get under my skin like that? I knew that what he had done to me was bad; he had betrayed me after I had specifically asked him not to. How do you deal with that? I just eventually realized that he was being selfish, much more than I was being. He wanted to be able to have both me and the girl, but he should have known better. He’s the one with his head on right, he should have known that I could not, I just could not handle her so soon after our relationship had fallen apart. He should have known that, spared me the stress, the pain, the upset. If he cared, he would have realized that. If I was selfish enough, I would have asked for what I could not ask for; I would have asked him to choose, given him that ultimatum. It was either her or me. But he didn’t choose and I had chosen for him a little too late.
Being in the psych ward was depressing. I felt so useless, so idle, like I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t go back into the world and fix what I had done. Maybe not with him, but I wanted to get back on my feet again. I didn’t want to stay with the people I could never see myself next to. I couldn’t sleep well either. I kept waking up every hour or so and I kept thinking that it was morning already, but it wasn’t. They woke me up around 6:45am to do a thyroid test? I don’t even know why they had to do it so early; I just wanted to sleep.
Up until about 1:00pm, I had just been waiting to get released back into the world again. I looked outside the window and saw such a beautiful day, then got sad knowing that I had to be stuck inside. Eventually my doctor gave me the okay to go and for the first hour I was out, I was ecstatic. I was so relieved that they had let me out so early instead of holding me for another two days. I was so happy to be out again.
I ended up going to work because I had already missed two days of it. About two hours into my job, I noticed that my happiness had worn off and that I was starting to get down again, something that usually never happens at work, so I decided to leave. Now, I do feel down, but not down enough to do something that stupid. If anything, I’ll take the more surefire way of “getting out” by doing the more toxic stuff, but at this point, I’ve already agreed to so many people that I would not be back in that situation, so… I can’t. I just feel like there’s all this emotion, all this sadness in me that needs to be let out, except I don’t know who’s the right person to do that, how to do it and for how long. I just… I need to let it out and I can’t because I don’t know how to.
Oh, they’re going to put me on pills. I know it. Despite all my fears… do I really have a choice at this point?
This wasn’t supposed to be me, I wasn’t supposed to end up like this, I wasn’t supposed to be where I am now, but I am. God, I can just see the look and despair on my parents’ faces now if they ever find out I was this bad. I don’t really know where to go from here now. I know I can’t die, but I don’t really feel like living either.
Posted at 4:56 pm | Comments (2)