26th November, 2007
This Is A Breakdown
I don’t even know where to begin. There’s just so much to say and it’s all going to come out unorganized.
Well, the last two short posts are in reference to my discovering/finding some new information about SB. See, I’m the type of person who tries to look at each side of the story, but for him, I never thought that I ever needed to question his side. I had given him the benefit of the doubt. Well, it turns out his side is not always true and like I’ve said before, lying is one of the worst things that people can do to me.
So I became very upset. I had already chosen to talk speak to him and see him because I needed time, but this time, I’m doing it because I’ve realized he’s just not that great. I went over to drop off a few things I had gotten for him during Black Friday and to drop something off for his roommate. I slammed open his door, startling him awake. I stared right at him and said, “I hate you.” I gave him until the end of the week to get his phone off of my name and four months to pay back a rounded amount of $1200. I also told him to never speak to me, see me, or anything with me again. I know that because he owes me financially, I may have to make some contact, but that will be through my initiation.
Some other things were said and the last thing I said was this, “You know, I should have looked into the reason as to why all those people left you.” Now, I know that was mean. That was my intention. It was also my intention to mean it too. I don’t like to say things that are mean just for the hell of saying it unless I really do mean those words. I could have rephrased them, but I wanted to hurt. And I did. After that, he told me to leave his room and I did.
The fortunate thing was that I made it to FL’s office perfectly fine in the sense that I wasn’t very emotional. The second I walked into that waiting room, however, I just broke down and cried. There was a man in that waiting room as well, B, and he was sweet and nice enough to offer me a hug which I gratefully took. Hugs are nice to have. They are. I then proceeded to explain everything to FL and for the first time in my therapy sessions, I cried.
What he told me was this: I built SB up. I forced myself to be blind, forced myself to hope, forced myself to believe that he is this all-ever great person. I put him on the pedestal, I made him God (or close to Him). I had never questioned his side of the story, but at the same time, I didn’t want to know the other side of the story through fear that this image I had created would shatter. Even after I had done my damage, I thought to myself, “Maybe I should go back. Maybe there’s an explanation for all the lies he’s created. Maybe…” But that was just me hoping… hoping that there could still be something salvageable between us, hoping that he really is a good person, hoping that he’s not as bad as he looks right now… just hoping. I know I’m hoping and I know that there’s that part of me that’s still holding on, still hoping, still wanting.
Anyway, that is my breakdown. I’m still going through it and now that I’m back in my apartment, it’s a little easier to do.
Posted at 4:40 pm | Comments (2)
26th November, 2007
This Is A Different Feeling
This morning I woke up and yes, I did feel bad, but this kind of bad is a different kind of bad now. This kind of bad stems from the “I don’t know who you are anymore” feeling.
A part of me now wants to dislike him. I just… I really don’t know what’s going on anymore. I thought I knew him, I thought I knew enough of him, but these lies, they just don’t stop do they? They just can’t stop and I don’t know if I want or even should know anymore at this point.
Posted at 11:39 am | Comments (2)