24th November, 2007
This Is The Excerpt
Lately, I’ve been writing more on paper. Not necessarily in one journal, but on paper in something bound. Anyway, here’s a part of what I wrote today:
This just isn’t working. How many times do I need to say that I want to leave and then don’t? How many times am I going to put him through that? Well, I shouldn’t have to, not anymore. I need to leave and if I say I’m going to leave, then I need to do it. It’s not fair to either of us when I stay because not only am I asking him to do what I don’t expect him to ask me, I’m putting myself through more stress than is necessary.
This is how it should be, this is what I should have done a while ago. My staying isn’t helping anyone right now. It’s not beneficial and I’m just going to keep on hurting myself by staying. I need to leave, I need to go, I need to stop hoping, to stop fooling myself.
There are two ways I see fit for an immediate fix: 1) she goes away and stays away 2) he wants me back again. I can’t ask for nor would I ever feel right about the first and the second is never going to be true, so for an immediate fix, there is none. The only thing left would be for me to leave. There’s nothing else that he nor I can do to help me feel better. He tells me all the things I should do, but I can’t do them. I can’t not focus on her and I can’t find anything good about myself. I just can’t deal with this and the only thing left would be to not deal with it, to leave, to abandon him.
I know, I know, I shouldn’t stay for him, but it breaks my heart to know that he’ll be so sad. Really, it does. But I can’t do this. I can’t stay here and frankly, no one is telling me what I want to hear. SS says I need someone new. JL says I should leave. SB says I should stay. None of those choices seem like good choices and I really don’t want to any one of them, except I have to.
Posted at 9:10 pm | Comments (4)
24th November, 2007
This Is Not An Easy Choice
I hate waking up feeling like shit and only wanting to go back to sleep except I can’t because my body’s too well-rested to be able to go back to sleep. I was also having a weird dream in which I kept running away and another dream in which I was renting out a cabin? Like I said, they were weird.
The rest of my day yesterday after my last shopping trip went alright. My dad took me to Fry’s Electronics in order to see if we could find a printer for my sister, which we didn’t, and to see if we could find a DVD External Burner for me. Now I can finally back up all of my TV shows and not have to bug anyone else about it. That’s awesome.
My hair is still bleeding red and I ruined a white towel last night because of it.
I am also still having issues with SB’s friend and I hate that I keep wanting to leave and then I don’t. I know, I know, there are people telling me to just leave straight up because it’s for the best and half the time, I feel that too, but the other half doesn’t want to go still. The other half wants to stay because the other half really enjoys spending time with SB. Except right now, the other half isn’t really winning at the moment. It’s still there and it’s still trying to influence my decision, but right now, the half that wants to leave is winning.
I can’t be here. It’s really difficult. It has been difficult. Every time he goes to spend time with her, whatever is left of my heart starts to break all over again. Every time he sees her, I feel as if I’m losing. Every time he’s with her, all I can think about is how he’s probably gazing into her eyes, wanting to do more than just be a friend, or he is doing more than just being a friend.
On top of all that, December is coming soon. December 16 and 24 to be exact. I can still remember so much about those two days and it kills me when I do. He says I shouldn’t focus on her, but I’m obsessed with him and obsessing also includes obsessing about the people he has feelings for, so I don’t know how not to focus on her. At this point, there’s nothing that he can do, nothing that he would be willing to do, nothing that I would ever ask him to do that could help me.
So in the end, at the end, in the entire scope of things, I lose. It’s not a game, I know, but that doesn’t change the way I feel and I feel that I have lost. Not only have I lost the affection of one of the greatest people on earth, I have lost myself in that process, I have lost my heart in that process, I have lost the ability to want to be who I am, to be me, to be the person that he had once fallen for.
I lose, folks. I lose.
Posted at 11:24 am | Comments (2)