22nd November, 2007
This Is Not What You Say It Could Be
So I asked SB the other day what he thinks my current feelings are. Are they still in the ‘like’ mode, or are they something much more than that.
He said that there is a possibility that I feel the way I feel because I’ve lost something, kind of like that phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I can see how he can think that since it is a very true phrase and I’ve been thinking about it for awhile and I can conclude that my feelings are not that.
In order for that to be true, that means I would have not realized the relationship’s worth until after it was gone. However, I had already known and I still know how valuable what relationship was. I didn’t need the absence of his romantic feelings for me to allow me to realize what I had lost because before we hit our end, I had always known that what I had with him was something great, was something completely special in it’s own way and could never be replaced. That’s what I knew and that’s what I still know today.
But like I told him, right now, it doesn’t make a difference which category my feelings fall under, if they’re in the ‘like’ or the ‘love’ box because either way, I’m not going to get him back and knowing won’t change the way he feels about me. He says if it belongs in the latter, it would explain my irrational judgment as of late, but I really don’t think those actions need that kind of an explanation and again, I really don’t think knowing which box makes that big of a difference. So whether or not I do feel that strongly for him or I don’t, I’m not going to dive any deeper to try and figure it out because I’m not going to get him back. Sometimes not knowing is better.
Posted at 11:35 pm | Comments (2)
22nd November, 2007
This Is A Day To Be Thankful
The stupid thing is, I am thankful, I have it all in my head. I’m just not really good at showing it right now.
Wednesday was a relatively good day. I saw SB before I left and I probably won’t see him for who knows how long. I hung out with a co-worker, and now friend, of mine, MH, on Wednesday. We had intended to go see Into The Wild, but the theater wouldn’t accept my passes for those so we ended up watching Beowulf instead. Plot-wise, it was good. Of course it’s good because why else would they have turned it into a movie, right? I was expecting it to be a lot more epic than it was, so that’s the downside of the movie. Oh, and the ending too. The ending left no closure whatsoever.
After that, we both walked up to a burger place called Barney’s. I had a cheese lover’s burger, which wasn’t all that bad. I didn’t finish it, but it wasn’t all that bad.
I came home from our hanging out in the evening and then proceeded to slowly clean up my room. I had to clean off the floors, do laundry, vacuum, and pack. All of that took me until around six this morning. It wouldn’t have taken so long had I not decided to pop in Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Memoirs of a Geisha in order to pass the time. I slept for only a few hours unfortunately since I had to hop on the BART to head back home.
I wish that a few of my friends were more available to hang out today, but unfortunately they were not. My family doesn’t really do big American holiday celebrations, so there was no Thanksgiving dinner, no big feast. Just another day that feels like a weekend for us.
I was able, however, to clean up a few things. I decided to get rid of some of the sentimental stuffed animals that I had received over the years. I believe I kept the more recent animals with the exception of the penguins. Penguins were a really big thing for the ex-boyfriend, DL, and so now I can’t look at penguins the same anymore because of that failed relationship. So I cleaned out anything that was penguin-related and donated the ones that I could to Goodwill. I’m taking the jewelry he gave me and I’m going to pawn it. Depending on my financial status by then, I may or may not use it for myself. If I’m stable enough, I will donate the money (which probably won’t be much) to charity.
The stuffed animals caused quite a fight between my mother and I. She’s the type of person who keeps everything in hopes of making it useful someday. That’s like me too, but at some point, I finally realize that it’s no longer worth keeping whereas she will continue to keep it anyway. She saw the bags of animals and really wanted to keep it for herself or to give away to friends. I really didn’t want to know where those items were going, especially not to a friend’s house. Either way, knowing my mother, she would have kept them in the house for much longer than I would have wanted to keep them.
I also tried to be nice to my brother today. I was planning on taking him out to a movie, but we couldn’t find a good enough movie to watch. He wanted to watch some scary ones, but I said no. I mean, if I’m going to take him out and all, at least let me enjoy something, you know?
The good thing about today was that I was able to catch up on that lost sleep. That’s pretty much all I can say that was relatively good today. Besides seeing the family of course. It wasn’t all that great considering the fact that I had to argue and fight for a car to take shopping tomorrow. My mother’s car leaks water, so we would constantly have to fill the water cooler. My dad’s car is quite wide, which I hate, and for the weekend, we have my uncle’s car, but they’re afraid that something might happen on that car. I would have argued that I’ve driven a car like that before, but that would reveal one too many secrets.
Anyway, I need to shower and then head to bed if I’m going to wake up around 4:30 tomorrow morning in order to get ready for Black Friday. Wish me luck!
Posted at 11:26 pm | Comments (2)