19th November, 2007
This Is Important To Me
That’s what FL told me today. It wasn’t something I don’t think I already didn’t know, but he said that because I feel the way I do, I must think that my relationship with SB was very important and that’s why I’m still here, why I still want us together. I don’t know for sure why I think it’s important, but I think it has a large part to do with my feelings and what they mean for him.
So my hair is screwed. Basically what happened is this: I had dyed my hair to a brown about a year and half ago. About a year ago, I dyed it back to black. However, I started noticing that the black was fading, so I went and bought another box to dye it back to black. Now parts of it has faded, but for the most part, the black is still there, still dark. That now presents a problem for me because I can’t get anything to show up properly since the black dye absorbs the color like that. So if you look at the top of my head, where my natural hair was from the summer until now, you can see the hair dye I used a little better than other places in my hair. I can’t re-dye it because all the chemicals will damage my hair. I can’t use a hair dye removal chemical either because it will break of my hair strands. So I have to wait. Damn it.
Today is Monday. Monday is when they are together.
He says that I don’t want him to have friends. That’s not true. I just don’t want him to have friends that he has feelings for. Is that so hard to understand? Shit. I have feelings for you. I like you. I want you. Of course it’s normal for me to not want you to be around other girls that I know you want because I want you to want me and it hurts me to see that you want someone else. Is that so hard to understand?
A reason why I don’t feel like trying is because I don’t really see a goal, an end point, besides getting better that is. I don’t have my motivation and that’s what I really need at this point. I just don’t know where it is anymore. Everything is shot, everything is going to kill me. If not me, then my parents. If not my parents, then school, and then my parents.
The cell phone company won’t allow me to transfer the financial responsibility of his phone number back to his brother. Why? Because his brother has a past due balance and needs to take care of that before he adds another line. SB says that I don’t like the situation because this just makes it easier to get rid of him. That’s not it. I don’t like this situation because 1) I’m still paying for it and 2) I’m paying for him to talk and text to my rival. That makes me feel so great, doesn’t it?
Anyway, I need to not be here right now.
Posted at 9:27 pm | Comments (2)