18th November, 2007
This Is A Choice
And today was just like any other day…
I think I’ve decided which person to see in order to deal with this depression. Today as I saw FH, I noticed that she didn’t really help me. She tried to relate to my failing studies and then gave me steps to take in order to try and pass this upcoming midterm, but other than that, it didn’t seem as if she had anything that would help me heal. She said it was good that I was talking about the ex-boyfriend, DL, because the talking was helping me deal with it and heal. Okay, I’ve said this story to a few people, not in full-length of course, but enough times that I think whatever sort of healing is supposed to take place should have taken place already, so I don’t know how this talking is very healing if it still doesn’t change my feelings toward him.
Speaking of feelings, my mind shouted at me yesterday. Well, not necessarily a shout at me, but rather shouted out the answer to a question. But I could not answer with what my brain had initially thought, so I changed the words a little. They weren’t false, but they may not have fully conveyed the extent of my feelings. I know this makes no sense, but seeing as how this journal is also for me, one day I will read this and I will remember. That or one day I may reveal to you what I meant and then I’ll need to link it.
I read today. I know, I’m kind of proud of myself too. But that was with the help of my friend, MH. I asked him if he wanted to study with me so our presence could help both of us get through what we needed to get through. Now, I’ve still got a whole crapload of chapters to read, but this is more than I’ve read in the last few weeks, so I guess in a way, I’m proud of myself.
I saw JL just a little bit ago as we went to church, which by the way I had not attended for weeks, and he was surprised to find out that I am still hung up on SB. I believe his words were something along the lines of, “Really? Still? Dang.” I know. Come to think of it, it’s been almost three months since we started going downhill and about two since we officially ended everything and in one month, the anniversary of our first date approaches.
Is it pathetic of me that I still recall everything about that day? Well, a lot of that day, not every minute detail of course, but enough. I remember the second date too. I remember a lot of things in fact and sometimes, like yesterday, I wish I didn’t.
Anyway, I’m currently watching all the American Music Awards performances via the Internet so I’ll get back to that now.
Posted at 11:54 pm | Comments (2)