14th November, 2007
This Is A Complete Failure
I’m still at the crossroads. I don’t know what to do and I don’t really know what could help. I can understand SB’s point when he says that in order for me to get better, I need to feel better. I see it that way because if I feel better, I will be more motivated to get better and improve my overall quality of life, right? Yes, that makes sense. It just upsets me so when I try to explain to him that I’m not going to work like that. I need to get better because if I know that I am a better person in my eyes, then I will feel better about myself. It’s a very large self-esteem issue and that’s what I need to work on. If I were to look at the qualities I have now, like he says, and say that they are good qualities, I’m always going to find another negative aspect to it.
“Stop it,” he says. Well, I wish I knew how to quit you. (”You” meaning the tendency to find a negative point in everything). My parents did that to me all the time and always made me feel like no matter what I did, it could have been better, I could have done better. So can you imagine how hard it is for me to try and break out of that shell? I really need to take small steps here because not only do I see little obstacles in my way, behind all of those, I see the much bigger obstacle and I’m very intimidated and afraid to approach it at this point.
“Feel better,” he says. For a good 36 hours, I did. Or at least a little better than usual. But does it make me happy to know that for those 36 hours I felt better? No. I just really don’t want to be so uncomfortable with her. I mean, even now, I’m currently sitting in the school library while my study buddy (not studying together, but studying in each other’s company) is napping and I’m still thinking about what he and his buddy are doing now. I can’t help it. My solution, or not really a solution, but my suggestion was that I meet her because I see two results: I either get worse and leave or I get better and stay. If I do nothing, then I’m still tempted to leave. Three choices, two results. I thought that if I were to meet her, I’d realize she’s not as bad as this whole rivalry thing goes, but I’m also afraid of meeting her too.
See, when most people meet their rivals, or their “secret” rivals, they usually already have found one personality flaw that they amplified to make the person seem really bad. Well, for me, I don’t really have a personality flaw. I have a “presence” flaw and that’s not really something that I think by meeting her can change.
I don’t really know what to do. I’m just so confused and so lost. I know what I want and I know what I don’t want in a sense. I want to get better. I want to get better to feel better. I don’t want to be uncomfortable with this buddy of his.
I was told to make a list of what I want Gary to be to me and unfortunately, he can’t fulfill most of those roles, so where do I go from there? I think what FH was trying to do was that if I were to figure out what role I want Gary to play, then I would act accordingly. Like if I didn’t want him as a friend, I wouldn’t be his friend. If I did want him as a friend, I would. Does that make sense? Anyway, it made sense to me during the session anyway.
All I want to do is feel better. I want to be able to pick myself up, work diligently, and finally, for once, reach my goal line. Except all I feel like all the time is a big failure. I fail at life people, I fail at life and how do you quickly cure that?
Posted at 7:11 pm | Comments (3)