13th November, 2007
This Is More Swallowing?
I don’t really know right now. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like I’ve been given the pieces of information, but I’ve no instructions for it. So I swallow. So I take things in without much protest. So I would rather give all of me to make someone happy than to make myself happy. I know, I know, as I tell other people and as Julie tells me, I should make me happy, but in some freaky way, when others are happy, I feel a little happier.
I really don’t know what I’m going to do and I know that not doing anything still counts as doing something. I know, I know. People are telling me to do this and that and even though it makes sense and it’s logical… I don’t know. But I know that I can’t stand being here, obsessing like I am. I can’t stand having a rival and although I know that she’s not, I feel that she is. I just… I just wish that I didn’t have to feel that way, you know? I wish I didn’t feel second-best, second-in-line… just second. I wish I didn’t feel that she was my rival. I wish I didn’t feel so uncomfortable with her. I wish I could just get over him.
He says that I should work on being happy first and getting better. But I would rather get better first than feel better. Getting better makes me happy. Feeling happy first makes me fear that I may forget something that I need to get better. Then he says to write down right now what I need to fix so I can always go back on it, but I don’t think it works that way. Or at least I don’t.
Besides the whole medical part, I’ve figured out the difference between FL and FH. FH is geared more towards making me feel better whereas FL works more with getting better. I think I know which one is going to work for me, but I would like to wait a few more weeks before I make my final decision.
I want this to end.
Posted at 7:45 pm | Comments (2)