12th November, 2007
This Is Me Swallowing
My session today with FL was very… I don’t know how to describe it really, but it shook me up a bit.
This is kind of a deep confession, so please try and look past the judgment for this one. A few nights ago, a Wednesday night I believe, SB brought over pizza slices. They were huge and I really do mean HUGE. I tried to finish my slice, but hit my limit. After SB left, I went to take my shower. As I’m sitting on the toilet, I feel bloated. The next thing I know, I’m kind of hunched over the toilet (I flushed first) with a toothbrush in my hand as I use it to make myself throw up. Now, by the time I did this, it had been an hour after I ate the pizza and it had already gone through my stomach, but I tried anyway until I was sure it wasn’t there anymore. This episode completely threw me off. I have never, ever once in my life done something so detrimental for the sake of my image. I mean, sure, there are things that I don’t like about my appearance, but I’ve never really done anything to change them except sign up for a fitness course.
I brought this up today in the session and FL basically used the pizza (and a past event that’s unrelated to food) as a metaphor. He says that I kind of “swallow” things, kind of like how people swallow their pride, or swallow this or that. That kind of a “swallow,” or as the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it: “to accept without question, protest, or resentment.” That’s what I do. I kind of just take things in without too much protest. I suppose that a large part of why I do that is because I feel that if I don’t sacrifice something, then I’m not a “good person,” that I’m not worthy. I know, I know, it sounds absurd but I think that’s what I’ve learned over the years.
Which is why I’m still here with SB. Although I am unhappy and because the whole situation (yes, she is back and has come to her senses) makes me unhappy, I am still here. A part of that is because, like I said, I tend to “swallow” these things and another part is because I feel obligated to fix him. FL mentioned that I seem to like to fix people, to care for people, which also involves my sacrificing something for it. I don’t know. This is kind of a big revelation and I think I’m still processing it.
Yes, she is back. I haven’t gotten the verbal confirmation exactly, but he texted earlier and said he was with “his buddy” and after my session was over, when I tried calling, his phone was off, which only leads me to assume that he’s probably in a movie theater or some place where the phone shouldn’t ring and that probably means he’s with her. There are some other thoughts in my head, but I’m not going to share them with you. I’m just going to “swallow” them.
Posted at 7:12 pm | Comments (2)