I almost thought I was ready to feel better, but I guess not.

I’m such a sucker for punishment because not only am I not letting go, I still want him. I want to run to him, I want to call him, I want him to comfort me.

But I can’t.

And I’m broke.

I actually woke up when my alarm told me to today. Well, with the exception of Black Friday, that is. I woke up with an alarm today in order to take care of my school status.

I am now officially withdrawn from the semester. I have also decided to take at least, and this is just the minimum, a semester off. My sister suggests a year, but I want to see how much I’ve progressed by then as a person and in life.

Now my biggest challenge, and I have asked my sister to somewhat inconvenience herself for me, is to tell my parents and hope that I will help them understand what is going on. Things aren’t right with me right now and a big reason as to why I fell was due to my inability to handle my romantic emotions for another.

I’m afraid of their responses, their reactions. I know and still remember how my father acted the last time. He was so angry, so frustrated, he kept most of it to himself to the point where if he broke, he became violent and through things around the house. He did house work, chores, anything to help keep him calm. Now ideally, after my talk with them, they won’t react the same way, but I honestly have no clue what will happen. My sister will be there with me and I hope she will help.

I also plan to write down all that I need to say. I also need to think of ways to help them help me. They will feel lost if I don’t help them through this. We are a family and I highly doubt that they will drop me. It’s going to be scary for me, but I really do need to do what I think is right.

FL commended me on that today. He said for a person in my state to try and do something like this, to make a change, to make a decision that I’m thinking through on is tough for many. That may be true, but I have yet to really feel the benefit from that. I’m doing what I think needs to be done and I have the support from my family and friends to do so.

I just hope that I will have the support of my parents as well. If I have to live on my own, I don’t know what I’d do. I mean, I would find a way to survive and all that good stuff, but I really don’t know what I would do without them. I need them there, they’re my parents and not just in the financial sense.

I’m just going home for a weekend and in that weekend, I don’t know what will happen. I know I have to return to Berkeley for my sessions with FL and then since he’s taking two weeks off, I’ll have to as well, but then come back the beginning of January.

On top of that, I also need to find another part-time job. I want to stay at The Daily Cal still. It’s a good place for me to be.

Why was there ten good hours? Because during those hours, I did not feel sad. Even if I had tried to, I couldn’t do it. That doesn’t mean I was necessarily happy, but I wasn’t sad and that was a first for me, at least in a long time. But unfortunately, now I am back to feeling sad. It’s not by much, but enough I suppose to ruin my mood.

Well, I was planning to start this particular post off differently, but I was interrupted along the way.

So I tried to do a little digging about the last comment I received and it turns out to be from the boyfriend of the ex-bff I had. The odd thing was just as soon as I had figured it out, she called. I know that I had posted some nasty stuff here and there about her that I think in a way, I did mean, but like what I had done to SB just a few days earlier, the things I said probably shouldn’t have come out so harsh.

But like I said, words are my weapons.

She and I talked on the phone for a bit. I didn’t really know what to say exactly since she had been kind of catching up on my posts here which pretty much explains to just about everybody what’s been going on. I haven’t really been hiding stuff here for any particular reason. It was odd being on the phone with her considering the fact that 1) if you had asked me how I felt about her before she called, I would have told you how bitter I may have still been and 2) she and I hadn’t talked on the phone for about a year.

Before all that, I kind of had another, but smaller, meltdown. I realized that again, I am at a point in my semester where catching up is not an option. Well, it may be, I don’t know yet. I’m going to go talk to an adviser tomorrow and see what exactly my options are. Ideally, I would withdraw, again, from this semester and take time off. I would stay in Berkeley, continue my job at The Daily Cal, and find another part time job, possibly in the field that I would want to go into.

I just really have to stop doing what my parents want me to do. I know that they love me and they’re looking out for me, but it’s time I help them understand that I can’t do it all right away. I’m not like other people and even though we’re all flowers, each rose is different in its own special way. I need my own way, I need things in my own time. It’s not because I’m lazy or because I’m worthless, I know that I’m not. I know that given the right motivation, given the right determination, I can get what I want done. It’s just that right now, I can’t handle this. Right now, I need to just stop all of this stress.

I did talk to FL about the idea of being on medication and he believes that what I’m going through isn’t necessarily a physiological problem. They’re just emotions and mostly stemming from the fact that I’m holding on to something that was long gone. I don’t know. I see his point but at the same time, I’m so unsure of myself as well. Either way, even if I were to be put on medication, it wouldn’t really take effect until a few weeks later anyway and by then, who knows what could happen?

Hopefully, I will get to do what I want to do. That’s withdraw from this semester, take at least one semester off while still living in Berkeley working as the Finance manager still and possibly finding another job. I know that I can’t go home. If I go home, that will definitely cause more stress for me. Also, I want to continue to see FL. I know there are other psychiatrists around, but I’ve already started with him and when I start school again, I’m going to want to continue seeing him, so why have that gap, right?

But I will find out tomorrow if I can withdraw from the semester and still be able to come back to Berkeley when I am ready.

This has just been an odd night.

Why do I say relieving? Well, when I had first started this post, I felt relieved at the idea that I could possibly be free from school and finally be free to do what I want to do and this time, be more able to explain to my parents, be able to stand up to them and really help them understand that this is what I need to do.

But this will take time. I talked to the general manager at The Daily Cal today to let her know what was going on and she suggested that whatever it is I need to say to my parents, right them down so I don’t forget and so I can easily say and explain it later. Also, if I could right down the different ways that they could help me, it would be beneficial.

I should get started on that. Or sleep as my sister yelled at me to do.