31st October, 2007
This Is Harder Than I Thought
You know, for a second, I actually thought I could get over this sooner, or at least feel a little better, not necessarily about myself, but just better. Even if it were just for a little while, I thought that I could feel better. But I don’t anymore. I am back down and I just don’t want to get up anymore, especially if I’m just going to keep falling.
And because of everything that’s happened to me in the last two and a half years, I really want to try and just not be attached to anyone anymore. The first year and a half was a huge regret and the next year was too painful, so I just really want to make sure that I’m not going to get hurt again. If, and I do mean if, I ever get back what was lost to me, I’m going to hold onto it for as long as I can because I cannot afford to lose it again, especially as easily as I had let it go this time. I’ll take better care of it once I find it again and until then and until I am fully ready and trusting enough, I just don’t want to get involved anymore.
That makes me sound like I want to be a hermit or alone, doesn’t it?
Posted at 3:11 am | Comments (2)
30th October, 2007
This Is So Off Course
I have to choose my classes starting tomorrow morning. Well, technically, I don’t HAVE to do it tomorrow morning, but if I want to get a good spot in the important, smaller classes, then yes, I need to. The thing is, I don’t know what to do at the moment. If I go on the assumption that I can’t get into Econ, then I have to figure out what classes I need to take and in order to do that, I need to talk to an advisor. If I want to still try to get into Econ, I have to talk to the Econ advisor and see if they’ll accept the pity card. She said that if I showed understanding in the upper division courses, then she would be more likely to overlook the bad grade I got in the introductory course. However, at the rate I’m at, I’m not going to do very well in the upper division course I’m taking now so I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I do have the pity card of major depression, but I don’t know whether or not she’ll accept it or see it as an attempt to make an excuse.
So right now, I have no idea what to plan for. I just have to straighten things out before I plan and that’s going to take a lot of work.
Life is as usual. Or the “usual” in terms of how it’s been for the last few weeks. I’ve been staying up later and I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m afraid of what I’ll dream about, because I can’t sleep, or because I’m a little bit of an insomniac because of the depression.
Either way, it’s all just a big whirlwind and I’m so lost in it all. I can’t even find the right hand to grab onto at this point.
Posted at 11:59 pm | Comments (2)