27th October, 2007
This Is Worse Than Ever
I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Everything is piling up. Everything is not going the way that it should and by that, I really do mean “should.” I should be okay. I should be working. I should be fine. I should be caring. I should be appreciative. I should be grateful. I should be a lot of things that I’m not right now.
I feel like sleeping, which is funny because earlier this morning all I wanted to do was not sleep. It’s this weird thing. I want to sleep to pass the time away, except I hate waking up to feel shitty all over again. It’s like no matter what I do, I can never win at this game.
I can never win and just when I think I have, I lose it all.
The one person that I would have put first before anything else, the one person I would have sacrificed just about anything for, thought that he was nothing special to me, that he was just another boyfriend, just another guy I was dating and had become “special” for the time being. The one person I would have fought my family for, the one person I would have moved to another state for, the one person I would have compromised my wants and needs for, that person thought that he wasn’t special to me, that he wasn’t my number one, my only one, my life, my everything.
Yes, I’m a romantic and yes, sometimes I miss the feeling of being together with someone, but this is so much bigger than that. You give me a guy to kiss and all that is now, is a kiss. Nothing more. You give me him to kiss and I feel everything I never thought I could feel. So I don’t know what I did wrong to show him that, but that hurts me to know I did such a shitty job. And you know what? I probably don’t deserve another chance. He’s definitely better off with someone else because at this point, anyone else is better than I am.
Posted at 10:15 pm | Comment (0)
27th October, 2007
This Is Not Feeling Better
Just when I think that I’m getting better, after actually going through a night without crying, I wake up, and I feel horrible again.
I feel like Jacob did when he knew that he would lose Bella, knowing that she would leave.
I’m afraid to go back to sleep. I’m afraid to wake up and feel shitty again.
I’m afraid to watch TV or movies because they’ll just remind me of the things I shouldn’t be reminded of.
I’m afraid of losing myself, afraid of never getting back what was lost, which is my heart.
Everything ties into that. I know that I’m trying to make it seem like it’s not all because of a broken heart, but it is and everyday, I seem to make myself worse because that heart makes me do things that I am ashamed of, that heart, makes me feel as if I somehow deserve all of this sadness because I’m the one who broke it, I’m the one who caused it go to into hiding, to go missing. I’m the one who smashed it into pieces. So perhaps my heart is just punishing me, making me, watching me, sitting there to watch me suffer.
Posted at 12:55 pm | Comment (0)