26th October, 2007
This Is Down And Barely Better
So I am cleaning. Very slowly, but I am cleaning.
I’ve already watched through three episodes of my weekly TV shows and now I’m onto Fight Club. Why? Because it’s one of the very few, and I do emphasize very few, movies that does not have your typical romance. No one falls in love and no one gets his or her heart broken. No one needs to remind me of what I don’t have, no one needs to remind me of what I used to have, no one needs to remind me of anything goddamnit. Though, if I could find someone whose split personality looked like Brad Pitt… damn.
Of course, I’m joking. I don’t need to deal with two people in one body. I’ve got enough of that going in me.
I’m tired. I don’t want to be awake anymore, but I don’t know if I can sleep soundly anymore either. Either I wake up too often or I have a nightmare.
I… I just… I don’t know.
Posted at 9:48 pm | Comment (0)
26th October, 2007
This Is All Going Down
I don’t even know where to begin with all of this.
I think that a large part of my problem now is me. I mean, it started through a broken heart, but then as time went on and on, I just kept and am continuing to feel sorry for myself. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever hit this low before. I mean, yes, there was a point where I thought I could have taken my life, but it was years ago and then, I was still able to keep my head up.
Now? I can barely lift my chin nor my finger to do the work I need to do. Everything is slipping away from me and the one person, the one thing that isn’t, is the one that can’t save me. You would think to tell me to find someone else, but I can’t. I feel that I would burden other people because they’re so far away and I just can’t ask them to do anything like that for me. I’d rather call up, hell, my ex-boyfriend that had once hated my guts than to call my own close friends because I know that I haven’t used up his resources or his time as much as I have the others.
I’m just a mess and I really, truly do want to get better. I’m just lost as to where to start. I mean, I think I know where to start, but, like I said, I’m such a mess. My room is a disaster. I’ve got dirty clothes all over the place, tissues all over my tables, everything is just kind of sucking right now.
I just wish it wasn’t anymore.
And I am sure as hell not going to be put on any damned pills. I don’t touch mind-altering shit like that anymore (not that I did drugs, but at one point, I did occasionally drink). I want to be stronger than pills, I want to be better than pills. It’s not in my own moral and ethical values to take pills, prescribed or not, in order to deal with this emotional pain I’m going through. I know that if I stick it out, if I push through, then I will be a better person for it in the end.
But first step first, I need to fix what is wrong with me, my views about me, and how I handle things internally. In the end, I think I’m going to see my psychologist/psychiatrist (I’ve yet to understand the difference) for a long time (as soon as I find one).
I’m in this pretty deep and I really don’t know where to even begin to get up.
Posted at 5:51 am | Comment (1)