18th October, 2007
This Was Not How I Wanted It To Go
Why is it that every time something good comes along, it somehow gets overshadowed by something bad? Well, like I said, my friends came over yesterday, but today, I realized that I didn’t do an assignment, so I’m pretty much fucked. Hopefully I don’t lose too much for turning it in late. Stupid stupid me.
Not to mention, I had been snooping a little with SB and I keep beating myself up for that. I tell myself I shouldn’t, but my weaker side wins. I hate it. I hate myself. I ask him to be honest with me and here I am, snooping. I’m such a hypocrite; I hate it. I hate who I’ve become with this whole jealousy thing. He told me earlier that he was probably going to pass out when he got home and he probably is right now, but I also feel that he’s going to give her a call too. I mean, why would he not? They’re friends and he obviously has a thing for her.
What’s even worse is that he’s not going to pursue it just for my sake. Well, for his sake too. It’s for both of our sakes, but not in the way that I want it to be. He has his reason as to why he won’t allow her to get close and he’s doing it for me. I just feel so horrible about that. I mean, what if it could be something great? And I’m destroying it?
I remember in eighth grade, I had fallen so badly over a guy. He and I were friends and we talked everyday. It was mostly due to my calling him everyday, but because he was so nice, he talked to me as well. I was so head over heels for him and when I moved away, I was so afraid that I’d never get over him, that I’d go to college still pining over him.
Well, what if that happens now? What if, I am his Rachel (allusion to Friends), except without the baby and happy ending? And what if I never really get over him? What if, this is it? What if I can’t stand any other girl that comes near him and so for my sake, he’ll stay away? What if he finally realizes that it’s stupid to do such a thing for silly old me and then he goes after her (a generic ‘her,’ not the current one)? What if I do get over him and then he starts to go date other people and then I end up back in my slump? What if he’s just going to hold out until I’m all better?
I don’t know what I’m doing, really. My sister, whom I look to for advice often, keeps telling me that I need to break contact. Every time I try though, it just feels so painful, like the tiny bit that’s somehow left in my heart gets stabbed, poked, and stretched out more than it can handle. Then there’s the physical lump I feel there just pounding away in the emptiness. That’s what it feels like when I try to leave, when I try to go through the whole not-talking thing. It kills me. Well, not that I’m not half-dead anyway, but trying to separate myself from him kills me. I don’t know what’s really going on and I can only wait for fate to tell me. But this just sucks so much. I hate it and I hate what it does to me.
The weird thing is, he’s spending so much time with me now, not as much as we used to of course, but I also feel that he’s slipping away. I’ve noticed that he stopped putting me in his daily rounds and calling on his breaks and stuff. But who am I kidding? We’re not together anymore and he’s not interested me in the way that he used to be, so why should I expect for anything to be the same? Why should I expect him to wear his ring? Why should I expect him to think fondly of me? I shouldn’t expect anything from him, yet I do anyway. It’s all just a crappy whirlwind that I’m putting myself through and I just can’t find a way out anymore. I really don’t know what to do from here and… I’m lost. I’m truly lost.
I really need someone to find me.
Posted at 10:44 pm | Comment (1)