11th May, 2007
When Today Was The Day It All Starts
Finals start today. Whoo. In about 12 hours, I’ll be taking my first final for Spring. I’m nervous and now that I think about it, I have to pee. Anyway, that can wait.
I don’t really know why I’m writing when I should be studying. I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately and I don’t know which one to deal with first. The thing is, my body doesn’t feel so stressed out, but I can feel that my emotions are. I don’t know what to feel right now. Should I be excited that I’m back at Cal and that this is a new start for me? Should I be nervous because I might not be as prepared as I want to be? Should I be anxious? Happy? Scared? Frightened? Worried? Or all of the above? I really don’t know what to do and I know that no one can tell me what to do. Whatever it is that’s bugging me, I need to sort out by myself.
But then I start to think about the things that are bothering me. Well, I shouldn’t say ‘bother’ since it’s not quite an annoyance, but they’re things that I’ve had on my mind lately. I don’t know what to make of them and there’s one in particular that I never thought I’d have to think about. Now I am and with that particular topic, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what kind of a person I should be because I still don’t know what I want. I want one thing and I want another, but I can’t have both at the same time. I can overlook one, but for how long? How long can I forget it’s there? I know that it’ll resurface again, so I can’t just sweep it under a rug, despite how much I want to.
I’m just all so confused. I don’t know what I want. Am I too young to figure that out? I don’t know. I just want… a plan. Maybe it would be better if some higher up just planned my life for me. That way, I don’t have to think about the things I want; it will already be mapped out for me.
Maybe I should just wish for simple feelings instead. If I had a genie, I’d wish for that. I’d wish for the simplest emotions possible: Happy, Sad, Mad. That’s it. I don’t need the rest. Oh, and I’d wish for simple thoughts too. Maybe thinking is a bad thing. Maybe I should just stop thinking so much. Maybe I should stop dwelling on things that don’t matter. Or I should stop making small things matter.
Maybe who I am now is not me. Maybe the person I am acting as right now is not the right person I want to be, thus all the thinking. If I were who I was, would I think less? Or would I think more? Or maybe I should just wish to be happy for the rest of my life, no matter what. That way, I don’t have to deal with being angry or sad. I’ll be happy because I’ll be optimistic; I’ll see the silver lining.
Or maybe I should just sleep through everything until I’m 70.
Posted at 12:08 am | Comments (3)