11th February, 2007
When Today Was Unsatisfying
It really sucks when you really really have to pee but your belt is stuck… Just thought I’d let you know.
I swear to you I just wrote the longest letter to my dad in my entire life. It was mostly letting him know what was going on with me (minus a few things here and there). I had a detailed chunk for each class, then my health, then bills, shoes, and lastly financial aid. Yes, oh yes, that fateful day of March 2nd is coming around when all the FAFSA applications must be submitted. What joy.
So I’ve finally decided to let go of VN. She is no longer a part of my life and it was her decision to make it so. I’m not going to hold on any longer than I should and at the end of the day, it didn’t seem as if she was always there so I must move on. It’s for my own good that I do.
Sitting in church today got me thinking… Okay, it was mostly due to the conversation I had had with SB right before, but I got to thinking about my actions and how that affects me. I’ve realized that with things I don’t have a firm standing on, I can be easily swayed. It’s mostly due to the fact that since I don’t have a strong dislike or like, I don’t really care which way I go. I’ve noticed that with things that I really do stand for, I will be adamant and persevere. For example, my stance on alcohol and drugs are very different. I don’t have a strong dislike for it, so I don’t care if someone tries to persuade me since I do not have a firm standing anyway. However, with drugs, I know where I want to be and I will stay strong for it. I choose not to partake in any sort of illegal (or legal as in cigarettes) activity involving drugs. With that, I know where I am and will be consistent with my decisions.
I also realized that sometimes I feel as if I don’t really choose for myself. Sometimes I do, as in the drugs, but sometimes I don’t. For example, my decision to let go of VN was due to the fact that I was encouraged to do so. Well, not particularly encouraged, but my idea to do so was encouraged. I had been thinking about it for a while, but I was unsure of whether or not I should do so. Also, as I went shoe shopping today, I realized that I need NN there with me so she could give me her opinion on whether or not the shoes I looked at were good enough for me.
Sometimes I feel as if I can’t make my own decisions without having someone else tell me theirs. I feel that it’s the same thing with movies. I’ll watch a movie and if I find it entertaining, I’ll find it entertaining. Once in a while, I’ll know when a movie is just plain horrible, but often times, I’ll decide that it’s not so great a movie if someone else voices his/her opinion about it. The same goes for good movies too. Yes, there’s my own selection of what I believe is a good movie but for those debatable great movies, such as Brokeback Mountain, I needed to hear what others thought first.
I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do with this. Perhaps it’s just my personality because I’m so easy going and laid back that I could care less sometimes. I’m not too picky with many things and I believe that’s where my problem lies. But if I were to be picky, I know that I would clash with others and I believe that being able to be friends with someone else trumps being able to stick to my way.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, enough introspection for now. I’m quite tempted to pull an all-nighter tonight just to make sure that I’m on top of things. My Mondays are quite busy and since I want to make sure that I’m prepared for Tuesday, I just might stay up the whole night. We’ll see. I’ll write about it tomorrow assuming I haven’t passed out.
Posted at 11:49 pm | Comments (2)