6th January, 2007
When Today Was My Last Night
This post will be written up in bits and pieces as I feel like blogging in the duration of the day
I hated my dream today. In it, a bunch of troops (from whom, I do not know) decided to raid my small town (though it did not look like my current town). My town looked like an old Western kind of town; I was in a wooden house and outside there was a green hill, a small one, one that you could walk across. On that hill, the troops would be standing there. Anyway, so they raid the town and come into the house that I am in. I shield two little girls from that mess. But whoever else was in the house was shot, particularly in these two rooms. They left quickly after creating their mess. I was walking the girls around the house, trying to avoid the two rooms that the troops had been inside because it was so bloody. There were no bodies left behind, the dead ones I mean, so everything was just completely bloodstained and I didn’t want the girls to see it. They wanted to go into the rooms, but I made sure that they didn’t.
After that, I don’t know what else happened. =T I went onto another dream, but can barely remember what it was. Something about saying a certain number of words and having something come out just for me to smash it.
—————————————————————————————————————-
There are two people who I have left behind in the course of 2006. These two people were once very important to me. Were is the key word here.
DL is my ex-boyfriend. I had believed our relationship to be okay and somewhat stable, but little did I know how detrimental our relationship would be. I lived through a lot of guilt and though it was fun at times, it had gone on longer than it should have. When he discovered about my infidelity, things happened and in those few moments, everything as I knew it would change. They say that your heart isn’t really dead if you can still feel pain, but for the longest time, I thought it was due to the confusion of all the pain and sorrow I felt. I knew that it should have ended then and there once he found out, but I was afraid. I was afraid of what he would do to himself if I had decided to leave and I felt that I owed him a chance since I had messed up so horribly.
Now I know that the last two months of our relationship should not have existed. To this day, I am still trying to pick myself up from all of the damage and I am still trying to heal properly, but I must admit that it is hard. I pray that once I leave this town of mine and re-acquaintance myself with Berkeley, that I will soon start to leave this mess. To leave all the pain that still lingers here.
Well, that was one person. The other was once my best friend. Even through all of the crap that she’s done and how I cannot withstand many of her actions, I still stuck by. Maybe it was through the fact that we had such a long history, maybe it was because I didn’t want to lose any friends. However, in my time of need, one of the few times that I needed someone to cheer me up the most, she was not there. It deeply hurt me and I felt that she was being awfully hypocritical.
In the summer of ‘05, she told me (in a very melodramatic way) that she felt very neglected by me and thought that I was spending too much time with my then-boyfriend. She accused me of many things, things that were not very true in my opinion at all. Although she may have gotten such ideas from an ex-boyfriend of mine, I had believed and had faith that she would have known me a little bit more than that. After sorting through the mess, we eventually reconciled.
In the summer of ‘06, she completely yelled at me again, this time for things that I was not aware that I had done wrong, or had believed them to be wrong. What hurt the most was when she said that she did not care if she and I were friends anymore. For a good couple of weeks, I did not say anything to her or let her know that I had come across her rant in that forum. When I finally did, I noticed that she had never once said that she was sorry. She never once apologized and if she did, then it obviously did get to me because I would have remembered it.
When the ex and I broke up, she was pretty much non-existent… in a way. Sometimes she would be online and sometimes she wouldn’t. Sometimes she would pick up my call, but other times it would go straight to voice mail. I tried not to talk too much about the ex because I knew that he often talked to her about me, but it would have been nice to see her inquire about my well-being. I don’t think she tried to do much to help me through that difficult time because she always seemed to be away with her boyfriend or her other friends. It might make me sound selfish, but there are times when you need to claim your best friend for your own personal reasons and that just happened to be one of those times.
I finally confronter her about my feelings and she… sat there. She apologized if I had felt neglected, but she just stayed silent. I told her that I did not like having to “fit” into her schedule and her reply was, “people get busy.” No. People do not get too busy for their so-called best friends, especially in times of need. People do not get busy when those people have no job, no school, and do not seem to be in hopes of acquiring such time consuming activities.
Now, ever since that confrontation, I have not initiated any conversation with her whatsoever. In my opinion, I feel that I have done my part in trying to salvage any remains of our friendship. If she wants this to live on, then it up to her now to take action because I am done.
I know that was a lot to say, but I feel like I need a place to vent still because the loss of these two people still provoke some emotion in me. Honestly, I don’t care too much now. Both relationships were what they were and now there’s nothing left for me to do to change it. I no longer need to keep in touch with these people and I no longer need to feel the need to hurt them either, as much as I want to for having them hurt me.
Please, do not take this the wrong way and assume that in both cases I was the victim. Remember that this is only one side of each story and you have yet to understand or realize the extent of their stories.
—————————————————————————————————————-
I’ve realized that the purpose of this blog isn’t just for me nor is it just for you, the readers, but it’s for both of us. This is my chance to provide a more intimate me, a me that behind all of my masks and smiles, you get to see. Sure, it’s public and just about anyone can see it, but the fact that you made the effort to come here makes me a bit happier. Why? Because I know that some of you that are reading are repeats, thanks to my spiffy new plug-in, Counterize II.
Anyway, back on point, I’m glad that I have visitors, mostly because I know that somewhere out there, somebody is paying attention to me. I don’t mean to sound self-centered, but that does make me feel a bit better. Sure, I’ll still continue to blog whether or not you return, but it’s nice.
If I could choose to be a few of the Disney characters, I’d want to be either Snow White, Cinderella, Jasmine, Ariel, Aurora, Belle, and maybe Pocahontas and Meg. I’d say Mulan, but see, then I would have to get hurt with that stab on my side and freeze in snow. Sure, Belle sees snow too, but that’s different because she gets to live in a big enchanted castle with shit that talks.
—————————————————————————————————————-
FUCK. I hate the Asian Glow. And I hate being buzzed (I’m sorry Stockton Boy). I went out to go eat with a friend today, MP, but since NN had invited us to go, we decided to wait. NN’s friends had been wanting to eat at this sushi restaurant all day, Blowfish, but I think they just wanted the drinks. Anyway, since MP and I arrived a bit early, we put our names down despite the fact that the hostess told us that it would be a 2.5 to 3 hour wait. While waiting, MP and I went to a pearl tea place to get a little to eat, mostly for me since I was hungry. Then we walked down to a bookstore to hang out for a bit because it was cold outside. Besides, MP loves books anyway.
When NN and her friends finally showed up about an hour later, our table still wasn’t ready. We waited for another hour or less and asked them if we could take up the bar since it was open. Luckily they let us sit because I couldn’t stall my parents any longer since it was already past ten. I told them that I would take one drink, one alcoholic drink, just to make them happy, assuming that it wouldn’t really hit me too hard. I wasn’t really in the mood to drink, but I would have felt bad because it’s my last night and I was kind of out for that.
Anyway, so a friend buys us four a drink (the entire group and MP, since she was driving, didn’t go). I agreed to one shot and you know what shot they chose? HENNESSY. What the fuck. At first, it wasn’t so bad, but then it really started to hit and even now, as I sit here and type to you, I’m still pink and my head still spins a bit. I’m not drunk, but I am definitely buzzed. After the Hennessy shot, they ordered another round of mango mojitos, which I did not want to finish because it tasted really gross. NN said that she couldn’t taste the alcohol at all, but maybe that’s because she’s developed a bit of a higher tolerance than I have because I hella tasted it in my drink.
So the sushi was okay. I couldn’t really tell because I’m sick, but not fully sick. My nose is running and my voice doesn’t sound too healthy, but I’m doing okay for the most part. The good news is that my wrist doesn’t hurt as much anymore. I can tie my hair now and open doors, so that makes me happy. My mouth has also subsided in the pain too. I only took a total of three pills and that was only on the first day, which was Wednesday. After that, I didn’t have to take any pills for the pain. It still kind of hurts, but it’s not intolerable so I can handle it.
Anyway, this has become way too long an entry, but I guess I just needed to let some of my feelings out today. Maybe I’ll talk about another friend tomorrow, but don’t expect an entry too soon since I will be moving tomorrow night and have much to pack still. Haha. Good night and God bless all.
Posted at 11:47 pm | Comment (0)