3rd January, 2007
When Today Was My Day To Think
<– Start Draft @ 3:00 am –>
There are so many things going through my head right now that I don’t even know where to start.
First all, let me address 2006 and 2007. Honestly, from where I’m standing, I can’t remember much of 2006. I’m sure there were some relatively happy times, but there aren’t many that stand out, especially before October or November. Maybe it’s all based on the fact that most of 2006 was based on my relationship with DL and since that ended a bit sourly, I have those thoughts in my head.
And with those thoughts, I feel… hate… hate for him and hate for myself since I allowed for things to go so bad. I should have known better, but I don’t know what got in my head. Maybe I thought that there was still some hope left and that I still felt something, but I think I was already done before everything started going bad. Honestly, as much as I enjoyed what we had (while it was still relatively good I suppose), I don’t believe that he was the right person for me. Deep down somewhere, I think I knew that I only stayed because he loved me so much that it would hurt him to leave and because I needed the security of having fun.
But I suppose 2006 brought some good things in my life. Over the summer, I formed better relationships with two of my Berkeley buddies and realized how much of a difference I can make in someone else’s life by doing something small. I also realized that I am truly capable of doing so much more than I have proved in the past. In the fall, when I started going to the junior college instead, I was able to rekindle another friendship of mine. Although I know that she still hides things here and there from me, I know that in a way, she understands me. In a way, she carries something that I want to have. I’m not too sure what, but when I look at her, I think that deep down, she’s a really great person.
I guess I did a lot more growing up in the fall and winter than I had in the spring and summer. During the beginning of the year, I tried to change, but I soon realized that I had fallen back into bad habits. With the summer, I felt as if I was somewhat invincible, or at least I felt a lot more confident about myself. I’ve always thought that I was a bit of an ugly duckling, but the people I met over the summer helped show me that I’m not so bad after all.
But yes, fall and winter of ‘06. I started to appreciate my parents a bit more because I know that in the end, they just care for me. Although they don’t always tell me what I want to hear, I know that they mean well. Near the end of fall, I started to realize that sometimes, I just have to stop being so nice. I mean, I’m nice to people who deserve it, I suppose, but there are times when I need to put my foot down and during those times, I didn’t. Now I know better. I don’t know if you can call it being selfish or stubborn, but I’m not just willing to do more than I should, especially for people that I don’t have to.
Also, fall introduced me to a lot of new people, people who have somehow impacted my life and my decisions. SL helped to show me that it’s better to let them go while you still respect them because once you lose respect, it’s utterly hopeless. C showed me that there are men out there who genuinely care for the woman and have a strong sense of chivalry. And the one person whom I must say has made the most change in my life has got to be SB. There is so much that I have absorbed from lifestyles to sex to dating to just about anything (almost). He is someone that I want in my life for a very long time because I know that he makes me want to be a better person. Without having met him, I don’t know where my life would stand right now. He’s shared so much with me and given so much that I can only hope to do the same for him. I can only pray that somehow, I will truly have a purpose in his life with the same significance that he has had in mine.
Now it is 2007. It’s a new year and can only pray that it will be an enjoyable and very memorable year (in a good way). I know that the year will still have its ups and downs, but I pray that by the time 2008 rolls by, I will only remember the good.
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<– Start Draft #2 @ 4:30 pm –>
More thinking is going down now; still focusing on the the whole 2006-2007 topic.
There was a lot that happened. I remember apologizing to two people that I wronged. One didn’t give me a reply and the other did, but made me realize that he and I would never have the same relationship anymore. I lost touch with quite a few friends this year too. It makes me sad when that happens, but I guess that gives room for me to meet more (wonderful) people, right?
Oh, here’s a happy moment: I was baptized at the Easter Vigil. I know that there are arguments against my doing so, but that was my decision. I don’t follow the Bible word for word because I don’t always agree with what the Bible says. To me, the Bible is like a really long story, but with each mini-story there is a lesson to learn from it and that’s what I try to take out of it. I’ve always thought that there’s a higher being out there, somewhere, who’s controlling us like we’re his/her dolls, or maybe it’s just good ol’ Fate who’s working at us all. But whoever it is, I believe it to be God and I guess I kind of believe that one person could have been the designated messenger from God.
Anyway, when I was finally baptized, confirmed, and all that other good stuff, I felt… happy. I felt as if I had finally found a place I could go to and be truly grateful and truly accepted. Every time I go to mass, I feel as if we’re all connected, as if we’re one big family. It’s a really good feeling to have every time I go.
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<– Final Draft –>
And so the year has ended. I wouldn’t say that I’m getting a new start or whatever, but it’s just another way for me to categorize my life, ya know? 2006 is done and over with and I just want to leave behind all the bad shit that happened. I can’t say that I’m going to forget it all, but I know that I don’t need to deal with it anymore. I don’t need to deal with people who can only give me half of their time when I’m in desparate need. I don’t need to deal with people who made me feel like shit. And I certainly don’t need to deal with people who just can’t take a damn hint.
Almost everything is good right now and that makes me happy, truly happy. The friends I choose to keep in contact with make me happy. SB makes me happy. My job and coworkers make me happy. It’s mainly the people in my life right now that I enjoy being around. They’re all wonderful, great, and fun to be around. I love that I’m having a good time, which I must say is the first time in a long time.
If I have learned anything from 2006, it’s to be grateful for what I have, understand that my parents are looking out for me, and to make sure that the people I’m sticking my neck out for deserve it.
God bless to you all.
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Posted at 11:30 pm | Comment (0)